Freely Live, Freely Post. C'est la vie.

Life is good + carbonara :)

2011-12-12T01:37:00.005+08:00

Hi people! It's has been a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG long time that I haven't updated my blog.

Life is good. Still single and available. Nonetheless, thanks to the great people around, I am coping better to be alone but not feeling lonely. :)

Commitments have gone higher as I bought a house with my brother in hometown. Basically, nothing left every month, so I cut down almost all my outings and cook myself instead.

I love cooking anyway. In my future home, kitchen must be customized to my ideal setup, so I am always in the mood to cook for myself, family and friends who would not mind vegetarian cuisine.

Here is my first time to do carbonara. Of course, it's Prego pasta sauce. Will learn how to make the sauce from scratch.

OS of the day:

The world only wants to see GOODLOOKING things/people. No matter how good your heart is, look always comes first. Deal with it.

Epic Failed

2011-09-27T23:31:00.002+08:00

I thought I would be more matured, resilient, tough, strong, whatever you name it, but no,

I am still as fragile as two years back.

This is the 3rd time, to witness the person I am interested in, and he knew I am interested in him, now messing with our mutual friend.

I have decided to close FB for at least 3 days, first day has passed, and I really feel better now.

Hopefully things go well in my life. I am very sick and tired of current situation, where I can't simply make a decision when it involves others.

OS of the day:

Don't go out and have a drink with your friends if you think facebooking with iphone is more important than seeing your friends in person. Seriously, it's a very rude trend.

最熟悉的陌生人

2011-08-31T08:02:00.001+08:00

“你不配这样对待我，我也不会让自己受这个委屈。如果你决定完完全全走出我的生活，我也做得到。只想告诉你，你其实并没那么重要，只是我对身边的朋友都很好，导致你还在误会我想跟你再有什么瓜葛。那天你看到我，却假装看不到我的举动，让我觉得，真的是时候，连朋友都没得当了。”

不知不觉，分手了四个月。其实，在这四个月，我感觉到你已经不想再跟我有太多互动、太常联络，但是我还是继续时不时问候你，寒暄。

应该早就知道，我不应该让你当面和我分手的。为什么我要让你好过一些？我说过要分手，电话分就行了，但是你坚持要见面“谈谈”，明明你已经做了决定要和我分手了，为何还说谈谈？你可能觉得你做了很对的事情，但你并不知道，那令我对你更失望，你太自私了。你认为面对面分手，是最负责任的。但你有想过我的感受吗？你没有。

我还是问候你，在MSN找你聊天，但你却每次找借口草草回我，然后走掉。我打电话给你，因为知道你最近心情不好，你也很应酬式地结束通话。那就是你 - 自以为是。或许你会告诉别人，我一直联络你，也会传简讯告诉你我想你，让你觉得我想跟你复合。

事实并不是如此，我根本不会想跟一个不爱我的人在一起，勉强根本没有幸福，我清楚得很。联络你，是出自于朋友的关心，并不一定做什么都要有企图的。人们，别想太多了。我这个人很简单，我想你我就告诉你，我跟每个朋友都这样。但是现在社会太混乱，大家都以为对方每做一样东西，就是有目的、企图。我才没那么得空跟你玩攻心计！

够了，你让一切都结束了。四个月后在酒吧遇见你跟另外一个人在一起，我并没有很意外见到你，也真的完全没兴趣知道你隔壁的人是谁。意外的是，我们竟然没有一方走向对方，打招呼，而是假装看不到对方，忽视对方。我到场了一阵子，你就离场了。

打从那一刻起，我告诉自己。分手那天你说过的话，都是谎言，你并没有意思要跟我保持朋友状态。我还很单纯以为分手后，还是可以成为很好的朋友。我们，还是连朋友都不要做，做最熟悉的陌生人好了。

OS of the day:

如果你觉得我跟别人都一样，那让我觉得很想死。

What's Wrong with Mi?

2011-08-21T22:04:00.000+08:00

It has been a while, since I felt very inadequate. I am not a person like that, who will constantly feel bad about myself. Usually it will pass within 1-2 weeks. No, not this time, not since then, not since when she comes back, not since my direction is controlled. I have been seen as inadequate, just like a newbie and noobie. Everything feels so odd, and people don't seem to be able to give me a hand. I feel extremely stressed but nobody could really help, because I don't even have time to call the Mayday 911.

I prefer to work on my own feet without any reference. In that way, no matter how you do it, it's an achievement. At most times, when you do have references, you tend to follow at least 70-80% of what has been done before, instead of trying to invent something new, that's solely by your own effort, originality, creativity and innovation.

I just got my contract renewal a month ago. Nothing to hoohaa about, I know I am good, but still have a lot of space for improvement. I put hope that I might be converted to a permanent position, because many people around are telling/giving me the false hope, until I received an email from my manager, that totally broke my hope, to tell me I will continue be doing what I do, with no changes of my job title and job scope.

I was telling myself, if I am doing what a permanent employee is doing, but my benefit is cut down by at least 60%, should I sound it out and try to get what I deserve? I don't know, I feel too inadequate to do anything now.

Oh yea, this lately, my friends seem to hang out with my friends, means the usual ME-FRIEND A - FRIEND B. I intro A and B to know each other. And they go out more often than I do. And I feel neglected. Nevermind, people come and go. I will know more good friends, those who do cherish me, will stay. Those who do not, I guess I can't even remember their names now....

As for now, I feel financially unstable too. I actually bought a house, with my brother. I have to pay 500+ per month for it, while my brother will pay more. Our loan is RM300k, for 30 years. Imagine? I just started working for a year, and I have to buy a house, for safety reason. It's a wise decision, as we don't want to risk our lives and properties to those uncivilized people who try to break in to our current place whenever possible.

Relationship wise? I guess I am slowly adjusting to single life and do not want to even hope for it. It's already difficult to be gay, why do bother to make myself miserable to search for a precious one in the ocean?

I am sick now btw. It has been 1 year plus I didn't fall sick. GREAT, fell sick when I am having a busy schedule for work this week. I shall be reviving after 26 August, because that's when my project ends and the Raya holidays will come! I didn't take extra leaves, but at least I will be office alone, and nobody will disturb me. :)

Tomorrow will probably on MC. Sigh, too busy to fall sick ya know?

OS of the day:

Seriously people, stop checking in using your iphone. You appear so lonely and worry that people can't find you.

Ungrateful

2011-07-30T23:48:00.004+08:00

I guess I am better off to stay alone myself. Dramas happen everyday with the bad tempered housemate who will always show her dark face whenever something VERY minor going opposite her way. She thinks she is pissed. What about me?

Totally ungrateful and spoilt.

Only if I have enough money to rent/buy a place for myself. My mood is spoiled a few times because of her sudden short temper tantrum which I can't see what I did that make her to fasten her menopause.

For fuck's sake, one is not happy with this fucking attitude. What should I do and what can I do? To make myself happier and easier with things like this.

Oh god, I guess my life is going down the drain since July. Would August be a good month for me? I hope so.........

Complications

2011-06-25T23:34:00.002+08:00

Slowly going to face financial crisis.

Mum and sis have seen a house in hometown, it costs 330k. After selling the old house, maybe need to apply loan around 130k. For most of you, might think that it's a small amount. But I am a freshie, with my pay, paying 200-300 per month can kill all my entertainment and food.

I budget RM12 per day for my food. Now I think I have to reduce to RM10 per day...... Even for weekend.......

No more outings until my increment tells me I am able to support myself. I cannot live with zero saving, that kills me to tell that I will just die, if anything I need to pay IF emergency case happens......

I miss a lot of people this lately. And I also found out who my true friends are. I have to learn to be selfish, to not treat people too well, and not appreciated. That's happening to me since long time ago.

I don't know how to hurt people, so always end up hurting myself..........

Now I am down with runny nose + sore throat and all these stress and emo feelings coming in.

Things shall pass. I will survive. Nobody cares is fine, I care for myself.

OS of the day:

You are the only person who can define who you are.

Lower Prioritized

2011-06-01T00:34:00.002+08:00

An outing with a good friend, could remind me of my track record of being a 2nd (or lower) prioritized person.

Let me recall all the pathetic mistress' fates (mistress means second priority here).

My first crush - I was just a replacement of loneliness. After the vigorous 2 hours late night kiss, he dated someone else in less than a week.

My first so-called ex - I was just a replacement because he and I were both available. He left me when the one he admired who happened to have rejected him came back to him and of course he wanted that. They are still happily together now. Good for them. I did a right thing to call it off.

My official ex for few months - I don't want to mention about this. But yes, it's related to the blog title.

Other than that, I found out I am somewhat always the 2nd option for others. Am I really that available?

To comfort oneself, the solution is = 2nd priority means you are a very important person who just doesn't appear to be the most important one.

End of story.

OS of the day:

I hate being 2nd priority constantly.

Emptiness

2011-05-22T00:56:00.002+08:00

Fill up life with a lotsa activities, outings, work.

What do I get?

I miss my home very much, and I feel like I lose my motivation to work at this company. Even though given a comfortable and flexi environment to work.

Mum is staying alone and she has fever for a week already. How I wish I am the one who will be taking care of her now, but I am so far away.

I want to have breakthrough in my current stage, I am not a person who likes to stay stagnant, nor do I like too busy life. Life is full with dilemmas and contradiction huh?

I don't even know how to organize this post. I just feel the great loneliness, when everyone I love, is so far away. And the one I loved, has given me up completely.

C'est la vie, have a good rest, all shall pass. A man who loves you more than you love him will appear eventually. Both of you shall get along and still get along, but not giving up, when you didn't really try your BEST to overcome the differences.

Life is not that difficult, it's the human beings that saying "QUALITY LIFE" = perfection = difficult.

End of story period.

OS of the day:

Trust me, you are not that important.

Someday

2011-05-06T21:21:00.000+08:00

Is it over? Pretty much. Often, in a relationship, it looks like both want a way out, but actually, there will be a party, that doesn't really want that to happen. Perhaps, both.

I didn't explain much, coz from the way you talked to me, it's gone. It's not there anymore. You didn't trust me, you didn't believe what I said, you wrapped it in a very nice way to tell me that I screwed this relationship.

No, I am not holding grudge. I will be fine. I will move on with my life. Thanks for the memories that you had given to me. My eyes gone teary whenever I pass by the places that we went, some places where I held your hand in the car, while I or you were driving.

I miss your special smell.

I miss your lips.

I miss your text.

I miss your companionship.

I miss your voice.

I miss your yearning of me.

I miss your silly grin when looking at me shyly.

I miss you saying miluvu.

I miss you cooking for us.

When I was trying very hard to maintain all the good times, they are gradually gone anyways, in a way that I cannot control.

You keep me warm, because of the blanket you gave me.

You keep me noticed, because of the white small table next to my bed.

You keep me nostalgic, because you have chosen to walk away from my life, when I didn't want you to.

We once told each other, we won't be the first person to say goodbye. How is that possible? Eventually, one party has to say it. Just that, I didn't know it would be that fast.

We have the vision about the future, but we failed during the missions.

Don't make it looks like I was the one who ruined this relationship. We can't clap with one hand.

I am sorry because I couldn't love you the loosen way you wanted me to love you, because I really cared about you. Instead, you called it my insecurity. I have never afraid that you'll leave me because of someone else. Even if you do, that means you and I have no love in the first place.

As much as I enjoy freedom, I still hoped my partner can show some care just to let me know that he still loves me.

Thanks for the short period of lovey dovey moment. My first time to be really in love. I don't know when is the next will come. For now, I shall dwell in this and remind myself not to fall too deeply to a relationship, when it's not in a balanced situation.

Someday, someday, someone's gonna be there.

Someday you'll gonna realize
One day you'll see this through my eyes
But then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't

I know
You don't really see my worth
You think you're the last guy on earth
Well I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday

But now
I know you can tell
I'm down, and I'm not doing well
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday

I know someone's gonna there

Someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you

Someday, someday

OS of the day:

Breakup is not the end of the world. It just means two persons leaving each other for better lives.

My love(d) one

2011-05-01T01:19:00.000+08:00

Telephone

2011-03-04T15:09:00.003+08:00

It has been 5 months, time seems to wait for nobody at all. I and the boyfriend have been together for 5 months now, but we were apart since the 3rd month when he had to move to another state to work.

I have been telling myself I am lucky to have him, when he has a very good quality of a good boyfriend.

However, I wasn't really happy about something he did to me last night.

We were having dinner together with my friends. After the dinner, he got a call from his ex-boss. He was on the phone for 10-15 minutes. Later on, he hung up and I thought that's it. No more, good.

After 5 minutes, the ex-boss called back, then he was on the phone talking, FOR AN HOUR. We were supposed to leave the mall and go home (he drove). Mind you, it was KLCC, an hour walking in the mall to waste the parking fee to talk on the phone which he could do it ANY OTHER TIME for non urgent issues obviously. I didn't overhear the conversation, but the voice my boyfriend talks is always heardable even 10 metres away IN A MALL.

I was like an idiot, walked aimlessly since I can't afford to buy anything from there. Ok, from 83opm-930pm. Finally, he hung up and he didn't realize I was already boiling. I almost dropped my tears inside the mall because I was really angry and upset. I came all the way from Penang to KL but he was on the phone for non-urgent issues.

I kept quiet and didn't look at him until we got home. I cried in the car, he tried to reach my hand and opened my fist then that was the time when I told him, "that's you, force me to do whatever you want me to do, I made myself so available for you, you told me not to sell myself short, now I even sell myself cheap." He was quiet, he probably knew he was wrong to neglect me on the phone for miscellaneous.

Now you tell me, can you accept that? He said that ex-boss is like his parent, he can't hang up. I said I would tell her I am with my friend now and I will call you later. I don't talk on the phone for non-urgent issues when someone is around me, WHOEVER it is on the phone, I won't chit chat like that.

Do you? Justify me if you think I am making a fuss out of this.

Note: This is at least the 3rd-5th time he did that to me when I was around.

I forgave him the night itself, coz I remember what he said to me, "I don't want to spend our time to argue over this." I did my part. What do you think?

OS of the day:

Crying is not because you are weak, it's because you really value something deeply.

Changes

2011-01-16T23:06:00.003+08:00

Godbro has moved to another country.

Boyfriend has moved to another state to work.

Little godbro is busy with his stuffs.

Work is getting stressful.

Joining drama class.

Social life is expanding.

Need to exercise because got high cholesterol already.

Salary is not satisfying as I work more than that.

Missing my hometown and my family soooooo much.

Ups and downs.

Still, not so happy. Need to get to reach out what I want more.

Kthxbai.

OS of the day:

Shits just love to come together. Don't they?

Over?

2010-12-29T22:32:00.001+08:00

SMS

Me: Dear, I am leaving from office to your house now. (wanted to pass something to his family)

Him: OK, I will give my mum a call. Thanks.

Him: My maid will pick up from you. Drive safe. Thanks.

Something is missing. I felt it since early morning. I saw it coming.

I accidentally blurted out something half jokingly last night in the SMS when I was having a big head.

I apologized. And I can't feel it anymore today. I can't feel him anymore, as if it is gone for good.

Would that just end like that? Just within 2 months?

haha..... haha..... I am too naive.

I am completely idiot, the worst psychology grad ever.

People easily pick up on my weakness even before I notice it.

Drama class pointed out my weakness, he pointed out how I use my sentences.

If that doesn't define my life as a failure now. I don't know what to call it anymore.

I just want things to be simple. Just realize, not everyone likes to be simple.

I Ain't Superman

2010-12-16T00:26:00.000+08:00

The days in Penang have been treating me well so far. No big hoo haa at all. I was dramatic enough during my uni time, time to put an end for that and move on with sensible life.

I always believe, I will meet good people everywhere, because me myself is a good person. Yes I do, I am slowly expanding my social circle here (don't call it networking because it sounds like I know these people because I want to use them). I technically don't work with my colleagues but work with our clients. Things go smoothly for me. People like me and they will smile/greet me happily when they see me. Of course, there are people who will show poker face when they see me, even though they know who I am already. My "colleagues" will ask me out sometimes, of course I won't mind to do that, if I have time. It's not that I don't have time, but I don't have much rest time.

I wonder it's a fate or what, my immediate boss has to take a long unpaid break, which is 3-6 months, because her dad is going under chemo for his cancer. She has decided to stop working until her dad recovers. My department is small, but workload is crazy. Everyone has his unique in our work. Another person has become my new immediate boss, but he will only "advice" and "monitor" what I do, but I am the one who will come out with the planning/managing/scheduling meeting/varsity visit/implementing/reporting. I was playing the wrong card? Or what? I am too close with our admin, until she will ask me to help with her work without hesitation, but she dare not to do that to other managers who are at the same level as I do.

I am not counting with her, but things get worse since my immediate boss left. My workload is doubled, yet I have to help with admin work sometimes. Just because I helped her previously and she thinks that's part of my job scope. I also don't decline because I understand how much she has to do when she has 7 managers who will give her work.

What am I doing? Yes, I am ranting. Because I am overwhelmed.

I feel like I don't have the right to complain because I am new and I am working with my clients. Complain/comments will only make them think that young people are incompetent and spoiled and can't handle stressful moments.

I don't mind to be busy, I can be happy when I am busy, what I mind is I don't like to work alone, when they can actually give me a little bit more help.

Furthermore, the initial reason to work - make ends meet has become the demotivator for me. My job is doubled, yet my increment will only be reviewed in yearly basis, and nobody will know how much, or not even being increased after a year.

I love my job, I really do. I just wish that my immediate boss will be back and I shall resume to what I am supposed to do. She told me, "you're doing great, maybe I don't even need to come back, because you are doing a good job. :)" Call me an idiot, I don't even feel like replace her! She is a very nice person to work with, negotiable, kind, down-to-earth and funny. My working hours is flexible as I don't even have to punch card or report when I go to office or go back home. I even went to office at 10am for once or twice because I overslept.

I guess I failed. I failed myself again and again. I feel ashamed when I don't practise what I preach. I am tired, exhausted, sleepy. Bye.

OS of the day:

Live it or leave it.

Sensitivity

2010-11-28T03:28:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, it's very hard, for me, if I can tell what is on other's mind. People might not be aware of what they say at that moment, please what they say, probably make a very bad impression in my heart. And I will probably forget what happens before this, but the impression already helped me to minus some marks on that person.

Everyone is given 100% at first, but when time goes by, the % will decrease slowly. When I don't really respond passionately to someone's sms, calls, msn, facebook, or any kind of contact, it means, I failed that fella.

I feel bad sometimes, because I can't force myself to "relike" someone, when the damage was done, intentionally or not.

One thing for sure, I certainly do not like people to scold me for my shortcoming which I am VERY and ALREADY aware, but something that I cannot change, even after I tried.

It was hurtful, I will just shut up usually. No use to even counter-attack, when I know that's my weakness and I don't need to explain myself to defend or prove anything. But yes, the % will be decreased.

Most of the time, when people tell you, "I don't mind your xxx (shortcoming)", they are just making you feel they are good people. Well, maybe they mean it, but only circumstances and time will tell. It will reveal everything. EVERYTHING.

Thanks. I did have a GREAT outing.

Twice. Twice.

OS of the day:

The way you point out other's weakness reflects how sensitive are you about feelings.

The Irreplaceable Him

2010-11-22T06:54:00.000+08:00

Some things, some people, are just simply irreplaceable.

It started off with a research. I found him in a gay website, which I couldn't recall which anymore. It was my first attempt to even log in into gay websites to look for research participants.

He was very nerdy at first. It's rude to use the word boring but I couldn't find other words to replace it. He gave me the impression that he is very good in his study and at his work as well. It's like other than that, he doesn't do anything else much. That time, I did my research via MSN, so basically I was chatting with him, the process of coming out to his dad. To remain professional, I didn't really chat about personal life, but just focused on my research questions.

To my surprise, he commented that I was too robotic and "inhumane" because I REALLY focused only the research, instead of being friendly and asking about other stuffs. Well, again, I thought he was always busy!

Just happened that I visited Penang with my ex that time, I texted him after the trip. He was a bit pissed because I didn't look for him when I visited Penang. From there, our friendship grew into a different level. We talk more, we chat about things that are not only on the surface. We talk about feelings, we are being supportive to each other.

Just so you know, it is NOT SEXUALLY at all. We both are not attracted to each other sexually. It is pure friendship, but a little bit of special chemistry.

One fine day, he proposed, he proposed to make me his godbrother. He was serious about it. I didn't really think that much, although I felt odd, because I never call people "gor gor" in my life. In our family, we call each other by names. But yea, I do call him gor now, soundly and loudly in the public.

He is the one who takes care of me whenever I need someone to be with me, emotionally. I don't expect him to be physically present because that sounds demanding.

He is the one who buys me meals and presents, when he seriously seldom spend his money on others. Well, he is just being prudent because he has bigger plan for his future. And no, I never treat him as my sugarbrother because I never request anything from him.

He is the one who will plan everything for me, if I ask him to. I wonder why an engineer is better than a program manager, in terms of planning. He is so good at that. But I guess this is the price of being hardworking. I am just not hardworking at all.

He is the one who brought me to Penang. Why will I be here? How could I get this job? It's by chance, but by fate or whatever it is. He introduced this job to me and I got this job in Penang.

He is the one who gives me shoulders and head massage, whenever we got the chance to do it. Even at the escalator in the mall.

We do say "I love you" to each other. We do miss each other just after few days of separation. We do sms and update each other for any latest interesting news, etc etc. It's not an obligation, it's more like a thing we call life, we call habit. Something that you will do without being asked.

Can you imagine this relationship of us? That's purely naive, purely sincere? Never think about to take advantage, never doubt each other. It's platonic, it's lovely. Many people will question us, "Oh godbrother, so what happened between you guys?" You get what I mean? People thought that we were couple, or some kind of flings that couldn't be together because of some reasons. Sad to say, that is the trend. People become godbrothers because of those reasons. People become godbrothers because they want to "reserve" a place in each other's heart.

NO, NOT in our case. Our brotherhood is special, is unique, is extraordinary. It's priceless and irreplaceable.

Until today, we have never touched each other's private part, we have never been totally naked in front of each other. It would be awkward if we do so. We both agree with that. We cuddle to sleep. He loves doing that to me. I love being cuddled to sleep too. We hug each other when we see each other and before we say goodbye. It's not simple hug. It's real tight and long hug.

Now you guys must be thinking the same as those who think we had something dirty back then. Well, I can't really be bothered. We both don't explain that to others because I know the more you explain, the fishier people would suspect. Now I do have a boyfriend, he is really happy for me. As for me, I hope he can find a better person who could replace his ex's position in his heart, because he definitely deserves someone better.

It's now 22 Nov, 2010. He is leaving me soon, he is leaving Penang soon. No, not Kayell kinda place. He is leaving Malaysia. No, not Singapore kinda country that is somewhat still very near to Malaysia. He is leaving............ Leaving in 45 days. To catch his dreams, to feel out of the country, to live his life.

That leaves me to dilemma. I wish him well in achieving his dreams. I wish he could start a new life there with his own effort. At the same time, I still have not had enough laughter with him, not enough being pampered by him, not enough of his companionship. Then he wants to leave now, for years. I just can't help to be selfish but to have him with me. I once told him, "you brought me here, and now you're leaving me." I watched his expression, he probably felt it too, but then he rubbed my head and hugged me......

He promised me to get me return tickets to that country for holiday, when he is doing well later. But I guess he does know that, I just hope he will be doing fine, by starting a new chapter in his life alone out there. Save more for his own expenditure. May he meets good people, whom will help him to smoothen his way in pursuing his dreams. But I know he will. Good people always attract great people. That's what I believe.

He is one of the people that I constantly care the most on this earth. As I am typing this, I can't hold my tears any longer when I count the days that I will have to send him off in the airport.

I don't know what will happen after he left. I also wonder where I might be, when he comes back. I just know that, I love him, no matter where he goes.

Dear my godbrother, I love you. Present to you this music, which I can easily become emotional, by listening to it.

OS of the day:

You may care for many people in your life. But, those precious ones are the ones that you care for them, until the end of life.

P/S: What is the problem here? Why blog doesn't let me change the font colour?? Screw you blog!

Just Have A Little Faith

2010-10-11T22:10:00.000+08:00

Those three words, are too easily said these days.

Do we mean it? Or we mean it, but it's just valid temporarily?

We do not foresee the future, nor that we can, as nobody can tell what the future is gonna be. People who are realistic, don't make empty promises nowadays. So do I, so does he.

He always tells me, "I don't know, I don't have a plan when comes to this, let's take a step at a time, one step a day."

I totally got what he is trying to tell me. He doesn't have a plan for us, because he really doesn't. Diverged roads now he is standing, making the best decision that may possible lead him to the life he wants it to be. I never stop him from catching his dreams, for that I'm proud of having someone who has dreams to pursue, rather than someone who will just say those three words but can't even give himself the sense of security in monetary term.

I told him, "I'm not sure about this, we've just started and you're leaving, I don't know whether I can take it."

"It's your call, to end it now, if that's too hurtful for you, as we're fallen deeper as time goes by."

"I won't do it, it's stupid, I don't want to end it like how my godbro and his ex ended it."

WE always say, "Life is too short to groan over something that hasn't really happened."

But contradictorily, we're planning for a future. We all have to have a plan, or else we will ask the question, "what makes me alive?"

He told me I'm growing in him day by day. In fact, I said those three words first, risking the thought he might be scared by them. But no, he paused a while, and told me, "I have been wanting to tell you I love you, but I just didn't dare to, I love you too."

Now, he said it more often than I do. I wonder how much I mean for him. Because, really, I can't find a reason why he loves me, despite the fact that I need him more than he needs me in his life. Be it an inferior statement, he is not missing anything, even if he isn't not attached with me.

I'm not an ambitious person, I have dreams, but I am keen to remain them as they are.

I'm not a person with high taste. I live ordinarily. I choose to be so, because I don't like to be labelled as "high-end society", even I can see my life is leading to it, but I choose to be ordinary, I choose to be friendly, I choose to be "society-friendly".

I'm not English educated. He loves literature and flowery metaphoric languages, while I barely know anything about that. He keeps correcting my English, I keep learning, but keep forgetting as well. My brain cells are kinda rusty, or used up, or whatever you name it. I feel like my language capability has come to a limit where I can't even absorb just one more vocab.

What makes us together? He can't answer that question. He can just give me the standard commercialized lines, "I don't need to have a reason to love you." Yes, it's enough to sugarcoat me with a fake blush on my face. Nonetheless, what comes next? When love slowly fades away across time and space?

He said he doesn't put much thought about it, but I know he does, at least sometimes.

We're enjoying the presence of each other, for now. What will be next? Separation with a long chat of separation agreement? I doubt he loves me that much, or maybe I doubt myself. Just as realistic as the reality is, I don't really have anything that he is missing out in his life.

He will eventually meet someone who he finds more attractive, with all the qualification of an idea partner for him. I threw that question to him and he can't find a way to deny that as well.

Just have a little faith? Or I am just destined to meet the right person at the wrong time, and will eventually remain nothing more, but friends.

When people fell hard, they lost their faith to believe standing up without being fear to fall down again.

P/S: See? I write better when I'm emo. :P

OS of the day:

Solitude is to be learned. Learn to be alone, yet not lonely.

When Things Get Worse

2010-10-04T21:08:00.004+08:00

"When things don't get worse, they get better." I told him, when he was worried about my condition.

I guess I was really positive that time when I look back.

Job starts to stress me up. I am not coping well enough to impress my boss. I don't work well enough up to my own expectations.

What more? When I have personal issue to deal with.

One night, I realized some scratch mark on my arm. I thought I could have scratched it somewhere, or I carried a heavy bag for a certain long time. I ignored.

The next day, it was still there, until the night. I realized it's not just scratch. Something started to grow, like stripes, bothered me. He asked me to visit the doctor, he was with me.

Doctor: Oh, that looks like herpes. It's highly contagious.

Me: What? How could that happen?

Doctor: You probably got contact with someone who has this.

Me: So what can I do to treat this?

Doctor: No worries, we'll take care of it. I will give you some steroid and cream to apply. Come back to us if it doesn't get better.

Me:..............

I followed. I take the medicines on time. I apply the cream. I do.

The next day after I visited the doctor, the stripes started to deteriorate. Pus is formed under the scratched skin. It's burning when I move my arm. It looks like I was burned by fire or something. It's not spreading to larger area, but the condition get worse.

I am worried. I know he is not less worried than anyone else.

When I was about to think everything is gonna be fine, since it's not spreading.

I took a look at another arm, red spots are growing, different from the right arm, they aren't in stripes form, but in dots. Some contain pus as well.

Now I feel terrible. I was blank when I was driving home. I am scared. I feel like I'm zombie. I feel like want to isolate myself. I don't want to spread this to anyone.

What scares me the most, is the disease that everybody would associate when it comes to gays.

What if.....................

OS of the day:

Things can go really bad, when they are health and money related.

Nothing is Forever

2010-10-02T08:50:00.001+08:00

New life in Penang seems pretty welcoming for me. I don't really need to go through the loneliness since I was here. I have small social circle here, since I am still new here, but people here are generally friendly and fun to hang out with.

Of course, I have my loving godbrother, who is always there to make sure I don't get lost in this small Island, always ask what are my plans over the weekends and who am I going with.

I also do have some regular friends who usually will return my invitation (formal giler) to go out. All of them do appreciate my presence in Penang.

But things always change. Roller coaster which is stucked in the middle of somewhere on the rail due to malfunction will eventually come down again, it's just a matter of time.

Godbro just passed him resignation letter to his company, he is leaving the country early of 2011 for few years at least.

The someone special that I am seeing, currently is planning to move to somewhere around Malaysia for good, to begin his journey of money/dream/fancy life hunting.

I always believe life will lead us to somewhere we belong. Now, the two people who I care and love the most in Penang, are gonna leave me for good.

Yea, tell me the same old shit, "I'm not leaving you, though we're physically apart, but I'm always here to support you spiritually." Yea right, you can hug me when I cry alone? You can bring me to for meals with you?

I'm not ready for distance. I'm not. I'm not asking you to stay, no I'm not.

You told me, you don't have a plan when come to this. I want to tell you, me too.

You told me, that doesn't make you love me less, how true can it be? We don't have strong foundation, we're not like few years together, we just know each other for few months.

Ok, let's talk about it when the time gets nearer.

I actually cried, when these 2 guys told me they're leaving Penang soon........ Yes, I cried out loud in the empty apartment. Hopefully people wouldn't think there's something "dirty" because I cried pathetically, for 2-3 minutes.

I guess I shall come back to the blogosphere, a place where I could rely on, to tell my stories, and to let the 2 persons know, I love them everyday, more than yesterday.

OS of the day:

Nothing is forever. Forever is constant change. Only change is forever = nothing is forever.

Typical Working Life

2010-09-04T11:26:00.001+08:00

Take a quick glance at the title, those who are working office hours would understand what is typical working life.

Basically, (for me)

Mondays:

Monday blue doesn't really bother me that much, but I will feel tired because of the weekend sinful outing until late night. So, work would be slow. :P

Tuesdays:

This is the day when you realized (since late Monday) you've a lot of work to do and you have to speed up so that your weekly tasks are achieved. So yea, usually Tuesdays are busy.

Wednesdays:

The middle of the week, also the peak of the week. Settle everything that I can settle and plan what to be followed up on Thursday, Friday and so on.

Thursdays:

I usually work hardest for Thursdays because I don't want my weekends to be bothered with work. Sometimes I do have nightmare because of the day time busy-ness. @_@

Fridays:

Ok, you not need my information. Everyone knows how it feels like. Even students do know. The mood whole day would be quite high, imagine the night and the Saturday. :) Anyway, I worked very hard for this Friday because I pilled up a lotsa things previously. :(

Saturdays:

Usually Friday night would be going out late or stay up late for no apparent reasons. Sleep at around 2-4am, then just feel grateful that I don't have to listen to the alarm alerts. Anyway, my job requires me to work on Saturdays or Sundays, with no OT, but with compensation time off. So I take a day off after the weekend. I love that idea too. :) But it would be better if replaced in monetary form though!

Sundays:

Usually I choose to go out only until afternoon. I don't like to go out on Sunday night because I have to get prepared for the next week. Clean the house, iron my clothes and rejuvenate the mood and physically prepared for work. Well, I still fail though. Ad hoc outing usually makes me home after 8pm -_-".

Life is good. Actually life never really treats me that bad, because if it does, I won't be able to enjoy my life until today without any really tragical circumstances.

I love my life, I love my family, I love my friends, I love my job, I love the way I live my life, with nobody to control what I love to do.

Next step is to keep learning the procedures of the company, and be able to work without anyone's guidance. When I can do that, I would plan for what I should do after the working hours and the weekends.

I live not only to live, but I live to serve and give.

OS of the day:

Being materialistic and be obsessed to it makes one looks really shallow.

So Far Nothing Too Bad

2010-08-07T20:17:00.002+08:00

I have been here for nearly two weeks. Well, life is not so bad, but health problem arisen.

I guess I will love my job, but definitely not my status in the company. I feel so insulted at times.

And I lose my interest to blog nicely. I cannot blog sentimentally anymore...

I need some time to rejuvenate myself to get back to managing this blog.

I am still adjusting. I am trying my very best to adjust to this new place, new people, new culture, new driving habits, and the most importantly, new job.

OS of the day:

Be grateful that you are at least breathing without any problem now.

The Arrival

2010-07-27T05:48:00.001+08:00

C'est la vie has moved to a new place called Penang. He has got into a MNC as a contract staff. His designation shall not be revealed as it's extremely harmful to be caught/stalked whatever you name it.

People ask him the reasons why he chooses to be based in Penang, but not the fabulously hectic yet gayism can be smelt, felt, sensed, and more accepted KL.

He doesn't have an answer on his mind, but he has an honest answer which is, "It comes by chance."

He got this job offer because of his lovely godbro who concerns everything from A-Z about him, got the recruiting email from his friend and forwarded to C'est la vie. He thought to himself. Since it's a MNC, why don't he give it a try. Here it went. Since the termination of the internship in KL, C'est la vie was back to his hometown. The first interview was done on phone and the next interview was scheduled after he was back to KL and travelling to Penang just for the interviews.

C'est la vie failed the first interview, which was a small company with no reason given. But he has got into the big company. Law of Attraction works the wonder. He jumped into the air when the company called him to confirm that he is hired. "Yes", he said to himself.

After the confirmation, C'est la vie proceeded to purchasing a car, renting a room, getting a GPS, and some miscellaneous.

He also got to travel to Phuket for few days before he starts working, which was a happy moment for him, since he had bought so many nice and bargain prices clothes back to Malaysia.

The unplanned plan has become reality and C'est la vie has to work things out from zero. Penang is a new place to him and he has limited networking here. C'est la vie thinks that this would be great, because he can start things all over again, and show to people his real self, yet the positive self.

He wants to start it slow and low. He doesn't want the attention from others, he doesn't appreciate the attention when he walks around the town and people can spot him out and he has to take care of his image. C'est la vie is aging, C'est la vie has got a managerial post, but C'est la vie wants to be young and he is young.

He wants to keep things for the precious people that he has known, or those new friends that he thinks he will cherish. He doesn't anticipate people to intrude his life with bad intentions.

With the worst navigational sense among the people he knows that he is conscious about, he is anxious to get lost in this small island or even drive in this place with all the crazy drivers that he has witnessed and was pressing the invisible brake pedal that wasn't even exist next to the driver's seat. He needs some practise desperately. But as conscious as he is, nobody would let him drives their cars even being paid for some deposit as insurance.

The designation of his job is decent, the pay is satisfying, but he guesses the job scope that he glanced through from the email can already make a person feels dizzy and sick. Being as a tiny part of MNC and given the managerial position is not what C'est la vie wants. What C'est la vie wants is the experience that he can get from this MNC and the networking that he can expand throughout his days in here.

C'est la vie doesn't want to live his life like others, C'est la vie doesn't want a stable job and stable income but not something he wants in his life. C'est la vie will proceed with his plans when he can adjust his schedule after he starts working later. He told himself, he wants to help people, he wants to become extraordinary, he is extraordinary.

Despite the fact that people have been commenting about his weaknesses and how unknowledgeable he could be, nonetheless C'est la vie has noticed something. He has been receiving those comments, because the way he chooses his way of living is not as what the common people are expecting it to be. And the knowledge that he lacks can be learned by reading or any info you can catch up with Mr Google. The knowledge and instinct that C'est la vie has is not something everyone can learn just by reading. He should be proud of himself for that. Being different doesn't mean that you're weird, it just means that you're unique.

C'est la vie is chicken in many ways, but he always makes decisions which are outta his comfort zone. Even though he is the worst procrastinator in this world, but he never fails to challenge himself to do something new and tough in his life to ensure that he learns more than the ordinary people do. He doesn't plan well. But the first step he takes, will naturally lead him to somewhere he belongs.

C'est la vie only comes to realize that he is different from his classmates, when the reality hits them. Those students who are very hardworking in pursueing their flying colours impressive results, those who just do what they are asked to do, those people who just don't know what they want to do, and those people who want things to work out themselves, or with the help of people to spoon-feeding them with everything, are still struggling and panicking around joblessly.

You know what C'est la vie did when they were playing their facebook games and just focused on their studies? C'est la vie was busy building his networking all over Malaysia. He started it since he was writing his research paper. He made friends from the internet, he chatted with strangers in MSN, he built all sorta relationships with different people at different age group. He doesn't just mingle around with the same people with same attitude, same interest, all the same common things. He knows that to deal with weirdos in the future, he needs to expose himself to whoever that appears in his life, by fate or by chance.

Some people made the remark that C'est la vie is LUCKY to have found a good job with good salary and good designation. He doesn't buy that. It has little to do with luckiness when it comes to job hunting. Yet to mention about job interview. C'est la vie rather rephrases it with, "I put my efforts since I was young and I built up my perfectly impressive CV not in one day."

Anyway, back to those days, it was the kiasu-kiasi-sm that drove C'est la vie to work so hard in extra-curriculum. He was enjoying his achievements indeed. He raised up his hand to be the leader when everybody was looking at each other, waiting for people to point at each other. He joined the St. John Ambulance since Form 1 until Form 4 and he earned the respect from the members even he quitted due to some personal reasons. He led the club to organize a regional singing contest when he was 16, he was the prefect's secretary during Form 6 and all sorta club members and he was ACTIVELY involved even though his designation was merely a club member. He was showing his initiative to do early preparation for the convention that was required to be done during his final year in his university life. He did that and people voted him to be the leader for the convention.

He worked part time since he was 15. He had worked for few jobs already when others were taking their sweet time to be at home and waiting for their results to be released. He served in restaurant, he worked in hypermarket, he worked in photo studio, he worked as replacement teacher, he gave tuition, he even taught Mandarin to a banana adult who was in executive position, and also he still managed to find an online freelance writing job even his English is just as simple as you could read right now. He didn't work for the money. If people say in general they were paid peanut, he would say he was paid sesame. He still had to beg for money from his mum to cover the transportation and eating expenditure.

All these were happening in C'est la vie's life and he enjoyed the process as well. When people ask what he did for his school life, he can answer them with pride. His confidence level outshines the people around him most of the time. It's not because he knows more than them, but it's because he knows he rather makes the mistakes by trying out and stumble now, but not when he works later. He doesn't see himself to learn communication and interpersonal skills only when he begins to work. For him, those are very basic and the foundation to live as a PERSON.

The interviewer was asking him questions solely based on his CV, instead of asking those stupid questions, "what do you see yourself in 5 years time?", "why do you think we should hire you?". When he flashback now, those questions are way too imaginary and idealistic. But when the interviewer was asking him about his experiences based on the CV, it caught C'est la vie off guard! He was answering a lot of "I don't know" instead of trying to create fake answers for those imaginary questions, "I see myself as an influential corporate leader in 5 years time" or "I should be hired because I am bla bla bla" which the bla bla bla part is 50% artificial and 70%overrated. Everyone can boost himself but not everyone can talk about his experiences with examples when he has none.

After C'est la vie explained himself, do you think he got this job offer coz of luckiness? Seriously, I don't think so.

C'est la vie is just a normal person, with a bit more of guts to make crazy and random decisions. He is not as sensible as those people who will have a checklist on his hand before making any decisions. He plays safe, but not to extreme level. That makes him a very flexible person who can adapt himself very fast. Some people will still advice him to have a checklist after this. He will have one, but when it's really necessary and essential.

Why would I write this post as a third person? Coz C'est la vie doesn't see himself that high. C'est la vie is inferior with himself, but he believes what his friends are telling him about him. Credits given to those who were willing to catch up with him before he came to Penang. I will always remember you guys and you guys would be the persons I would turn up to if you need me. As I said, time is never enough, but there is always some time for certain people. If I asked you out for several times but you never made the effort to show up, it means to me, I mean nothing to you, but just an ordinary person who you don't really care that much.

Now, C'est la vie just hopes he can settle down and adapt to the new environment within 3 months.

Oppz, this post is so jumbled up and guess no one is gonna read from the beginning until the end. I don't draft my post, I don't proofread my post, I don't even think of fabulous and bombastic vocabs and sentences to coat my post sounding like a piece of literature reading.

That's my style of writing. Simple, down to earth and user-friendly.

OS of the day:

What others say should be taken into account, but can be ignored necessarily as well.

恋情频率

2010-07-14T12:35:00.003+08:00

已经数不清，到底是第几次了

开始暧昧的甜蜜期，还没全然感受到

就已经失去了

难道事情不能简单一些？

但是我懂了

爱情做主动的

永远是会被对方牵着鼻子走的。

别人有权力考虑

别人有权力接受或拒绝

而我

就有期待爱情盛开的那一刻

讽刺的

却是一次又一次地哭湿了枕头

苞都还来不及看见

就已经凋零了的生命

我没有后悔

因为人生与爱情本来就是如此

不断的伤害与被伤害

有人跟我说

现在的人谈恋爱

是谈条件

大致上可以想象

左手拿着一张清单

右手拿着笔

一格一格的打分数

检查是否通过及格分数

然后再经过与其他参赛者的分数比较

较高者得

这样的方程式

或许就是现在的爱情公式？

我没有那么多的条件

我没有那么多的优点

我幼稚中带成熟

我并不是成熟中带幼稚

我没有高贵气质

我只是普通乡村男孩

我没有音乐细胞

我只会随便乱唱

我没有艺术天份

我可以将电视机画成冰箱

我没有超强的语文能力

但我懂马中英听读写

这些所谓的条件

口不说

但是就是因为这些条件在提前

别人才会喜欢你

你问我现在感觉怎样？

我会说难过

但是空白更多

虽然恋爱经验不丰富

但起码我知道

面包还是比爱情重要

我还有我的家人我的朋友

我一直在提醒自己

我是幸福的人

我是富有的人

没有了爱情不会死

没有了生活的尊严

那才叫人无地自容生不如死

哭过就好了

伤都会好的

没人要你

自己要自己。

或许你真的没有在看我条件

但我知道我真的知道

我太容易得手了

别人会对我看不上眼

这是原因

到底是不够清高

还是频率没对上?

我现在只想忘掉

我只是一个人躲得远远的

治疗那个还没被划破的伤口

跟家人好好出国旅游

回来开始我的新生活

然后告诉自己

一个人

也可以过得很幸福

OS of the day:

Between love and bread, please choose bread you silly.

Off Colour

2010-07-14T01:56:00.000+08:00

These days something is bothering you

you claim that you're a bit off colour

but you say you'll be fine

I choose to trust you

Today, you said you're fine

Didn't even mention about how do you feel

But I know, you're still off colour

I took my time to wonder why

but I will never find the reason why

Is that me to be part of the reasons?

Is that what I did make you feel pressured?

I won't look for the answer

if that's what you choose not to tell me

I am just telling you

I am here for you

to share whatever ups and downs that you are going through

no matter what will happen between us

that is true

Like I said to myself

you're never easy for me

For that I daren't to dream too far about us

It's just too much

It's just too much

Coz I know dream will just remain as dream

may it be forever, or temporary

I tried to call, twice

Couldn't reach you

I just couldn't reach you..................

You're there

but I just couldn't reach you

just couldn't reach you..................

Off Colour

Not only you do.

OS of the day:

Stress attacks you because there are unknowns to be unfolded.

Addicted

2010-07-09T02:08:00.002+08:00

Everyone will be addicted to something at some point in their life - gaming, retail therapy, chatting online, I can't remember much typical examples, but some people can even be addicted smelling their socks or the ear dung.

What for me? I guess I am addicted to someone this lately.

I would not call it as an extensive affection, but it's a very sweet and steady feeling. It is not like the past encounters that I had, that would make me cry because I felt like they didn't love me, or they really did hurt me.

Well, I cried once, when I was on the phone with him few days back. I wasn't crying like a baby craving for a toy or a lollipop, but my tears were flowing slowly yet constantly at the edge of my small single-lid eye. Of course my nose was synchronizing with the liquid leakage of the biological camera.

I guess I am addicted, to him.

Anticipating him to online to chat with me.

Thinking about him at least 10 times a day, but I don't text him just to say that.

Waiting for him to text me everyday before he goes to sleep.

Missing his croaky deep voice and find it sexy although at times I can't catch what he says but I would just smile in the phone.

Imagining if I would have a future with him, to have our dream house with the beautifully furnished whitey kitchen with all the stainless steel utensils, the backyard with some fruit trees, dogs running around, a small library with 99.5% of his books and 0.5% of mine. He is doing his business and I am helping the minority groups when we're at the age of retiring. And I guess I love kids as he does.

I would want to take it slow, to get to know more about this man, a man who I am addicted to, but not crazy for. No matter what will happen in the future, he is the man that would not want to hurt me. That's something I am quite sure about.

Well, we are getting along quite good now. Since his true colours are gradually appearing on the surface of his polite and sociable skin. Once I thought he was polite and gentleman all the time, but guess it is time to recalculate on that part, coz he can just be as cheeky as I do. Or, MORE with his knowledgeable background.

Ok, am gonna sleep now. Enough about him. Addiction is overrated. Duh~

OS of the day:

Indifference is caused by the differences.

Where Is the Heart?

2010-07-07T03:13:00.000+08:00

Remember those days when your teachers taught you about morals?

Remember when the adults told you what is right and vice versa?

Now, think, do they really practise what they preached?

I would say, half-half. Most of the time, the adults are trying to keep the children as innocent as possible, give them hope about life.

When we were young, we tend to really do good deeds for others who really needed help.

Nonethess, people change, society change. The debate of morality, religions, politics, economy is a never ending story and all people have their own two cents of everything. The same stories can't be told to the people nowadays coz they are not applicable anymore.

Do you still open your gate when you talk to strangers and invite them to come into your house?

Do you still stop your car when you see people are waving for help by the roadside?

Do you still help the minorities like blind to cross the road? Bring people to their direction that they want to go?

Honestly, I lose my passion of helping people in our country already...... Gradually..... Since the traumatizing case.

Before I was mugged, I brought a woman from LRT station to her destination.

Before I was mugged, I wouldn't be hesitate to lend others a hand.

After I was mugged, I avoid eye contact with strangers when I am walking.

After I was mugged, I walk extremely fast and my eyes are scanning 360 degree like a bird with binocular eyesight.

After I was mugged, I even neglect strangers who are trying to ask for direction.

Incident 1: (approximately 2 weeks after the incident)

A guy was standing at the corridor and my gut feelings told me that he was making eye contact with me to ask for direction. I avoided his eye contact and doubled my pace and walked pass him. I looked back, he was looking for the next person who passed by. I felt guilty.....

Incident 2: (just yesterday)

I was in KL Sentral, the corridor just opposite the Monorail station. A middle age man was saying "Hello" with the I-want-to-go-somewhere look. Once again, I avoided him and passed by him. Just after 2 steps walked pass him. I turned back slightly and said, "Yes, what's up?". He was actually asking for the direction to go KL Sentral Terminal building. So I told him keep walking and turn left. I continued with my path........

Incident 3: (the very today)

I was in KL Sentral Monorail, just walked out from the monorail and I saw a blind guy who didn't seem to be really good in using his stick for walking. He was walking very slowly and that time the monorail station was crowded. I was thinking how he gonna walk down from the platform? But still, my indifferent self was telling me, "you couldn't care less", so I just kept walking on my way and waited for bus.

Just when I looked back, there was a lady who was holding the blind guy's arm and brought him to the convenient store that seemed to be his destination. Once the blind guy stepped into the convenient store, then the girl only walked against the direction from the blind guy.

I felt ashamed. A person who studied social science actually did neglect the minority.

I didn't really realize that the incident was actually changing my way of viewing people just like that.

Now I think, no, it is irrational. At least Case #2 proved my sensibleness and how I gradually heal from the incident.

Do you still help people?

OS of the day:

At times, you think that people changed. But do you realize that perhaps is the way that you view the person has changed? OR, you haven't seen the side of that person that you self-proclaimed as change? Sometimes we just hope that things never change, but things don't change, time changes things, and people.

New Life Chapter Begins Here

2010-07-04T05:09:00.001+08:00

Law of Attraction works. It works. Last 2 weeks, I went for two interviews in Penang. One was SME and one was MNC, just few days after the interview, I received the rejection letter from the SME, which was something I didn't really mind, because I was just trying anyway. But the feeling of being rejected, no matter what issue it is, it just doesn't feel pleasant, momentarily.

So, I was waiting for the news from MNC. Initially, I wasn't putting too much effort in that. But during the interview, I was informed more and more about the job scope and all, I thought that would be my chance to develop all the skills that I am currently having into a higher level. Of course, I will need to impress the MNC since I am only a contract staff which I don't have the perks and bonus that the permanent staffs are enjoying. I am fine with that, coz the basic salary they offer is considered as good pay for a fresh grad which I can't come to choose. It's a MNC anyway, at least after working for them for few years, it will create some sparkling value on my resume later on for my next job.

Thus, I took the offer when the person called me few days back. Indeed, they have not sent me any offer letter or agreement, they just said they are gonna offer me for this position, without much info or updates, I started to look for a place to stay, a car in KL, and I am sorting out miscellaneous to get ready to settle down in Penang real soon.

Things are worked out slowly but I can see the progress. And I am trying to catch up with my friends in KL who I wanna meet before I leave here.

Life in Penang, shall start very soon. Would I love this place? This place ain't strange for me, yet still new for me. Would I love the job? It depends on how I deal with the job and myself. Would I love the people? I should really pick up on learning hokkien so that people would think that I am a local. Would the people love me? This one I really don't know how to answer as I can count with my fingers the people whom I know in Penang.

Well, that's me I guess. My life. I am reaching something out there, which I don't know what it would be, and I will keep searching, until I found the feelings, and I shall settle down. It gives me a chance to start my life from almost zero. People don't know me, I can present myself at the best and I can put some effort to improve my weaknesses.

We all don't know where life would lead us to, but at least, we know that life won't give you shit that you can't handle.

For those who help me to settle down in Penang, I really show my gratitude and appreciation by actions later. For those who are too busy to even reply or return my text or call, no worries, I will still buzz you to compensate your guilt towards me.

Sigh, indeed, this is not the way I wanna put this post into, but due to some distractions that happened, I lose my idea of drafting this post. Anyway, anybody can suggest me how to reopen this blog to the public, without letting my friends read this? I don't mind invaders, but I don't want invaders to know my A-Z about my sexuality.

Damn! I guess he/she just read the entry that I posted about my fantasy about dick. Geez, if I were straight, I will throw out the banana that I have just eaten. Not forget about the coconut juice. Oppz, just random.

OS of the day:

Before you learn to talk, learn to listen, and learn to keep a SECRET.

Smitten

2010-06-26T02:07:00.004+08:00

So BM and I were chatting everyday after I met him in Penang the other day.

Indeed, I learned how to use "think" and "miss" from my past experiences.

With his English level, I guess he knows how to use that wise too.

We didn't really talk to each other the whole day since both of us were busy with our own friends. I am in KL anyway. He didn't reply my text in the evening. But he texted me at the midnight on his way back home.

He actually called me but the phone wasn't clear.

So I called him when he got back home.

Was talking as usual, but outta sudden, he smitten me AGAIN, with those-three-words that is not what you're thinking.

He said, "I miss you"

OMG, because that was so outta the blue and a bit blur, so I asked, "What?"

And he repeated that without hesitation, but he explained that why he missed me.

Anyway, it's ok. I am happy and I said I will be sleeping after he sleeps.

So yea, it's 2.12am now, I already blushed my teeth and all ready to cuddle him to sleep in dream. :)

OS of the day:

Keep praying that you will succeed. At least succeed to find a way to pass next time.

Doomed

2010-06-21T13:50:00.003+08:00

Received the rejection letter from a Penang company just now. No reasons given though. Of course, people won't wanna hurt you THAT bad. Still waiting for news from the big company. I don't dare to put much hope. I can fail the small one, it's likely the same for the big one.

My stomach is giving me a hard time since few days back. Should really go for check up, and yell at the doctor to STOP giving me useless medicine and scan me instead.

Feel like life is doomed now. Everything doesn't seem all right for me. This is just a phase of life cycle. I will see the peak soon. I know I would.

OS of the day:

Nobody should die alone.

Love Season + Father's Day

2010-06-20T11:22:00.004+08:00

Love season? Coz I see some break ups and some reconcilements and some newly ~~hooked~~ made up couples this lately. Is that a sign for love season now? Well, at least, not for me.

Opened my eyes at 10.25am in the morning, as usual, checked my phones if there is any message. Ironically, to make my life more bitter, my godbrother actually got into a relationship. Well, I saw it coming, but at least not so soon. Ok, now I start to sound bitter again. I truly congratulated him, but also felt uneasy to receive love story as a wake up text. Still, I tried to pull myself outta the bed with a big smile and want to live my life today better.

Guess love needs patience and it comes by chance randomly and most importantly, it needs a candidate who has mutual feelings with you. Apparently, the latter one is always missing, for that it's depressing.

I am not giving up, but I am not gonna hurt myself anymore. All this while, I have been convincing myself it's ok to be alone. Now, I have to not only convince, but work it out, to say it loud, I am ok to be alone. Those lonely nights, walking at the beach just with myself, vacation with the one I love, watching movies with friends, but desperately hope that my hand is held, having a shoulder to lean on, having a person to hug whenever I want to, last but not least, having a person to kiss goodbye, virtually or literally every night before sleep.

These are the things that so easily happening to those couples out there. Yes, I am easily pleased. Maybe that's the price to pay. When people think you're easy, you're not even a competition for others to go after.

I never ever give up on love. Nonetheless, it's time to not let myself to dwell in the pain of waiting, keep listening to those consoling yet useless standard lines, "your time will come soon" (you say it coz you don't know what to say but you have to say something, don't ya?), "be patient, the true love comes late" (which takes forever), "it's too fast, we bareless know each other" (I'm just not that into you).

Tears are blurring my vision but I ain't crying, coz I can't even find a reason. No fall in, don't even mention about fall out. Fullstop, I will move on and I will be better.

............................................................................................

Today is Father's Day, I have never talked to my dad more than 20 sentences a year I guess. This year is different, coz I am staying with him. I see him quite often. But we just seldom talk to each other. It's really really difficult for me to even utter "Happy Father's Day", coz we just don't live that way.

I guess I just can say it loud in my heart, or when I have found the guts after some stimulating or inspiring incident today.

Happy Father's Day.

OS of the day:

If your love life doesn't look good, do yourself a favor to at least get yourself busy with something else.

Sick + Home Alone

2010-06-19T18:42:00.002+08:00

Woke up in the yesterday's morning, I felt nauseous, it was definitely not a good sign for the master of the body. Something was going on. Walked out from the bedroom, tried to figure it out, what was happening. I felt light fever and dizziness. Rested myself on the couch.

Gosh, I was sick. The whole day was spent on the couch and rest. I couldn't eat much, coz I was about to throw up. Tried to get myself on bed at 12am, but maybe I slept too much during the day time.

Eventually I only got to sleep around 3am. Imagine? 3 hours of rolling on the bed and they eyes ain't wanna listen to his master? @_@~ That was torturing!

Luckily I am ok now, as in today. So what's new? Bro is going to friend's place to sleepover, dad is going to work tonight. So I am ALL ALONE at home. Car is with me. But the problem is, I am very bad when it comes to navigational sense. And I don't have a GPS with me.

Sigh, how I wish someone can be with me to get lost in the city. It's ok, coz when I am with someone, I will feel safe, just not alone. I am alone. Nobody returns my invitation for a dinner. Guess it's city life. Everybody is so afraid that he gonna spend his weekend alone, so he has already planned his weekend since the last weekend. Am I right?

I still can navigate to Mid Valley though. But alone? Would that be a bit pathetic? :(

OS of the day:

Everything is gonna be fine in the end. If it's not fine, it's not the end.

Weird Trip to Penang - The End

2010-06-17T15:38:00.008+08:00

I lost all my confidence, just within few days. Before the trip and after the trip.

My best friend (PL)

PL likes to address me as n00b, yes, NOOB. Even though I know he says it for fun, but that actually touches my heart, challenges my guts, why he can say me noob repeatedly? There must be many things that I couldn't do, or couldn't understand that make him can say that out and loud, finished his line with the usual "okla, just kidding la". No, he was not kidding. He is actually reminding me, I am incompetent, I am inadequate, I lack of the general knowledge or the things that people usually know but I don't. I am too self-centred that I don't really care about what the world is going on, and gradually I feel like I am losing the ability to socialize well. That slaps me right on my face. My navigational sense is bad. I found that out after I studied in Kuching, and I don't seem to really how to navigate around well, even after spending a good 3.5 years there.

He is a high achiever, has been just working for 1 years plus, his salary hits 4k averagely. Quite enjoying high-end life as a person who is at his age. Determined, hardworking, happy go lucky, and a bit cocky yet he can be cocky.

Brandon

the guy who used to adore me, has been a great help all the while. He gave me morning call during my internship time and my important days. Yes, I am a heavy and deep sleeper. I can't wake up on time easily. I am too pampered with other's help. Some more, I asked him to do excel work for me to just fill in the blank. So when the interviewers asked me whether I know Excel, I said I am learning....... What a shame? A university grad can't use Excel!

The guy that has changed so much in less than a year after I knew him. Used to be very discreet, quiet and obedient. He has grown so much just few months I didn't really catch up face-to-face with him. I couldn't believe that I was quiet when I was hanging out with him.

Gor

my godbro who treats me just like a kid, pamper me in every way he could, because he can't afford to see me suffering, always tries to protect me. I am just like a baby in front of him, I need not to bother what is happening around me as I know things will just be settled with him around. I am a spoilt kid in front of him. He knows that. But he loves me too much for being me. During this trip, everything is made sure well planned even though those plans were ad hoc. He would just check me out, make sure I have my meals, make sure I was accompanied and safe, make sure everything was going all right.

He himself, is a determined, disciplined and ambitious person. Well, at least he is working on something so that he can get out of this country and start his new life in a new land overseas. I could not imagine if he is not around, if I were to work in Penang, and I have no one to turn to when I am vulnerable.

New friend found (BM)

A guy who I guess it's very hard to find, close to perfect. Coz he claimed that he is perfectionist, I could tell not only from his words, but his behaviours and characteristics. As a person who is close to his age, I felt like a total failure. He is determined in his studies, what he wants. He is knowledgeable as I have to call him a walking-encyclopedia. He works, he has good people skills, he is sensible, he is good to his friends, he is lovely, he is caring, he is independent as he has all the skills that needed to survive alone. He exercises, he workouts, he is humble, he is adorable, he learns fast, like really fast.

All the compliments were thrown to him but he said I was just being nice. Instead of just telling him these, I was actually feeling inferior and pathetic. For a person who is at his age, I can't even find myself 30% close to what he has achieved and what he is good at. He teaches me life lesson that one should not stop learning and working.

I am naive enough to think of pursuing this almost-perfect-guy. I am not even close to his door.

Another lesson that slapped me right on my face. Yes, I am nothing compared to all these people who work hard for their life while I am just sitting still and waiting for things to come to me. I am so much pampered by the chances that happened and given to me.

Once I thought I am a very strong and well-rounded person, I found out I am nobody if I were to compared with these good people. They can beat me in anyway that I thought I am good at.

Or I should say, what I am really good at, won't earn me money to feed my physiological needs.

OS of the day:

Plans must be executed right now, or you plan to end up with nothing soon.

Weird Trip to Penang - Part 2

2010-06-17T03:05:00.001+08:00

Weird Trip to Penang - Part 1

So, it's a Sunday night. Everyone had to work the next day, and I would have my interview at 4.30pm the next day.

On the way he sent me back, I was singing songs. And he could find the songs that I was singing or I wanted to sing in my head, and played them. I was singing along with the music, and I was not sure he noticed it or not, my eyes were teary and I felt literally numb like I just had been electrified. He dropped me to hotel and just waved me goodbye. Of course, he texted me after he was back to his place.

It was indeed a scaring lonely night, where I just wanted to get someone to cuddle me to sleep. Not anything sex related, but just cuddle me. I tried to cry, but tears were dried, as they vapourized in my heart, before I could make them fall.

I texted 2 persons whom I actually got their contact from the hanky-panky-romeo website. One actually replied. A 39 year old guy. I didn't really mind about his age. And he promised me he wouldn't touch me without my permission. But it was raining, and it was 3am. So I asked him to better rest at home since he had to work on Monday as well.

I rested myself on the queen size bed, left the space next to me empty, I didn't do that intentionally, but I guessed I just hoped someone was next to me that time, which was nobody.

I woke up at 7.43am, coz the aircon was trying to synchronize with my mood I guessed, cold and freezing, but I managed to get more sleep until 9am. That was the time when the friend that was supposed to come fetch me at 10am, I just put on my dress, the formal one, and waited for him in the lobby.

Here it is. The guy whom I just knew for 1-2 weeks, came all the way from the mainland, passing through the usually damn jam Penang bridge, parked his car, took the lift up to the lobby and greeted me when I was staring blank in the air. A charming person, looked tidy and clean, low profile yet something is special about him, just like some fragnance emitting pleasant smell from the underlying clothes, it's something unseenable, but noticeable about this guy.

After the late breakfast that we had, he actually brought me to the places that I have never been in Penang, because probably people won't think that those places are tourist spot, or they are way too wasting the petrol to go round the whole Penang just for the sake of driving and enjoying the scenery.

We were talking loudly in the car and sharing randomly about whatever that came to my mind (I don't use our coz I don't represent others). Laughing out loud, teasing each other, sharing about our life since we are new to each other. Then, we went to a vegetarian restaurant that served western vegetarian food. OMG, the food was superb! Some more with an eye candy in front of me, stimulated my appetite even greatly.

After the satisfying meal, we just loitered a bit in the car, my heartbeat was really fast knowing that the interview will be soon. I told him, and he rubbed my back and told me that I would be fine. I kept yawning on the way, coz I will yawn when I got nervous, I took deep breath and convinced myself that it's just an interview. No big deal.

Cut the miscellanous off, the interview was ok. I thought I did ok. I would be called up for second interview, which will be based in KL soon, if I were shortlisted. Well, whatever, it passed.

Called my gor to fetch me up from the office after he finished his work. Then we back to his place for some rest, and proceed to have our vegetarian steamboat in a restaurant nearby his place. Initially, I was supposed to meet up some friends, but I needed to do some research about my next day interview, hence we went back home around 9pm, and I started to read online, and chatted with him and him as well.

My mind was blur. One of the reasons was because my memorizing skill is going down the drain. My brain was telling me that I am getting older, where I could tell that I am not as smart as I used to be. Perhaps it's because of my habit that makes the today-me. Well, I will try to get back whatever that I should have. Another reason was because of the reason I felt like I am losing someone, and at the same time, I was meeting someone interesting. C'est la vie huh?

My next interview was with a MNC, which I wanted to impress the company, so I read something about them, just to know them better. It's 9am in the morning. I slept at 2am. Woke up at 6.30am. Gor was fetching me to the company and I reached before 8.30am.

To my surprise, the interviewer actually had forgotten there was an interview with me, he was late, the interview only started at 10am and he apologized few times for that. Luckily I am not a hot-tempered person or else I would be really pissed.

The interviewer actually focused on the technical parts rather than those routine stupid bluffing questions like, "what do you think you will become in 5 years time?" Seriously, people usually bluff on that, don't we? But those technical questions asked were not easy to answer, as he was asking me by just reading on my CV. I even forgot what I did during those times! Gosh! I made up some things I guessed. :P

I am not sure whether I would pass both the interviews or fail both. I am not really putting high hope on that. Let time tells. 2 weeks. After 2 weeks, I would look for other jobs already..... Wish me luck.

After the interview, I went to Queensbay to wait for the new friend to come again. He brought me to lunch and then we were back to Queensbay coz I wanted to buy some clothes for myself. :P

After shopping, chit chatting and tea time, I was sent to the Sg Nibong bus station. Here it ended, my trip to Penang.

A trip mixed with new friends, old friends, godbrother, interviews. Indeed, nothing much on the narrative story, but rather a lot of mixing feelings when I was with these people.

But after the part 1, I don't feel like posting about feelings anymore. Feelings are just so cheap and negligible nowadays. I guess I should just keep 'em for myself. Blog about it? Maybe when my mood comes again.

My writing is just so boring. Sigh, my life is going very backward. No, not my life, but myself..... When I can find the strengths to put myself in one piece again? I feel plain pathetic, when people in my life are growing so fast and I am stagnate and indecisive.

Really feel like telling myself, "Go to hell"

OS of the day:

Setting goals in life is just as hard as you don't know who to choose for a marriage. At least for me.

Weird Trip to Penang - Part 1

2010-06-17T02:36:00.001+08:00

This Penang trip was rather planned but unplanned. Initially, the plan was I would go up with my best friend, PL for a great weekend hunting for Penang local food. Then, another guy, EC, who is PL's best friend wanted to join. I was fine with that.

Cut the story short, we planned to depart from KL at 6am so we would have reached Penang around 11am. AT 5.20am, PL received a text from EC, said that he was actually having sore throat and butterfly in stomach and he thought that he couldn't make it. PL was damn disappointed. We could still go up, but I won't be going down from Penang on Sunday since I would have my interviews on Monday and Tuesday.

So what now? To compensate his disappointment, I actually suggested that we go to Genting Highlands to gamble. What more? We are random and fast people, so we changed our clothes and went up to Genting. I lose RM100 (which I budgeted to donate to Uncle Lim's graveyard cleaning). He won RM200. He was happy. I was indeed happy. RM100 to buy my best friend's happiness. No big deal, it's once in a while.

Because PL said that it would be unfair for me to go up Penang since we promised to share the fuel if we drove up. He and EC would sponsor for my bus ticket to Penang. I rejected but he insisted. So, okla. RM60, it was Aeroline. I was really impressed with their service just like in fight service. Of course not AirAsia type of no frills service, they served Subway! They prepared mineral water, coffee, tea and headset too!

Ok, enough with the ads time. I reached Penang around 9pm. Godbro was waiting for me in Queensbay Mall already. We went back to his place to drop my luggage and to take a shower, then we went out to meet some friends.

We went to G-spot for their jazz performance. I had a mocktail called "The Island" which had no difference from lime juice + sugar, but rated as an awarded best mocktail in the town. But the performance of the singer brought the people in the mood though. :) My godbro was wrapping me with his hand and talked to me. Guess few tables were staring at us for a LOOOOOONG time, wondered what this gay couple was doing perhaps. Well, couldn't careless, even I felt a bit not so comfortable, I don't really like attention from strangers.

We left around 12am then we headed back to godbro's place to call it a night.

Opened my eyes, it was a Sunday morning, when my godbro had already got back from his class and hugged me to wake me up. It was 10am already. I was treated with Jawa mee as breakfast and later a durian from his dad! OMG! I am a durian freak! Luckily there was only one, coz nowadays I find out my body is rather heaty. See? Now I am having ulcers. :(

We went out only at 2pm, to check in Tune Hotel. We rested there and chit chatted a bit. He left around 4pm for his appointment. A friend came around 5pm to take care of me. A friend that I called, whom was once adored me very much, but I rejected him (did he even confess indeed? I was thinking too much then). Indeed, back to few weeks before my trip, I found out that he was no longer the person whom I knew since last July. Yes, he cares about me. But I felt that something has gone.

Initially, he thought of asking me just to wait at the lobby for him to fetch me to somewhere. But, I asked him to come over my room without letting him asked me the reason. So he came. He lied on the bed once he entered my room. I stared at him.

Me: I thought someone is missing me so much?

He: How would you know?

(I turned over my body after that)

Me: I thought someone wants to hug me so badly?

He: How would you know (with his arms wrapping me tight but not as tight as I couldn't feel what he felt for me anymore)?

It's ironic, I ever said to him, "We are impossible to be together." He remembers that sentence until the very today. I guess I hurt him badly.

Me: Are you liking someone now?

He: Yes.

Me: Who is that?

He: You guess la, you know him.

Me: How would I know?

Then I just named a person's name, and it's really him. I noticed that because he was so enthusiastic in commenting on his facebook status or pictures.

My heart actually got numb when he was still hugging me.

But I know, I have no rights, I really have no rights to say anything to show that I was upset of what I have heard.

I asked him to drive me to the beach after that. He never said never to what I asked for. But since few weeks before I came, I guess I saw it coming. I was no longer the only special someone for him. He had moved on. Completely changed. Different from the first time I met him.

He had changed into someone who is confident, talkative, presentable, and not to exaggerate the story, he is way too adorable now as compared to the time I had just met him 10 months ago.

I am very happy for him. That's what I hoped for, that he could move on, find someone else he likes, and the person can like him back. Deep inside of me, my heart was swallowing the tears that I was trying to hold back from leaking down my eye lids.

Last time, he would have compromised and agreed with whatever that I have said. No, he would fight with me now. No, he would not buy everything from me now. Even the time when I hit him to just get myself pampered, I could see he was not really happy about that.

Yes, he would still return my favor as usual. But no, I would not want that anymore. Coz I don't want to burden him anymore, as he has already moved on with his life, and I could see the potential of growing up inside of him. Perhaps the selfish me, had really gone overboard with what I have done, I was really too confident with myself.

To be continued.........

OS of the day:

Never ever judge a person as the same one as time goes by.

Lost in the Reality - Part 3 + 多愁善感

2010-06-10T06:31:00.000+08:00

现时凌晨4。55。

本少爷在干吗？已经来到最后一天了，在家里的最后一天。

回来差不多三个礼拜，其实心情没有很放松。因为是自己拿来衰，没有好好将报告写完，也没有如自己答应的好好收拾心情，来面对未来。

在不懂什么机缘巧合之下，我竟然找了三份工作，其中有两份是自己找上门的。我曾经用了几分钟时间问自己，机会来了，要试试吗？

因为本人其实来到工作，自信心是不高的，总觉得自己会不比别人好，得不到工作。但是万万想不到，把个人简历传到公司不到一天，电话就来了。好说要尽早安排面试。我就说我六月中才会在西马，他们也愿意安排时间让我面试。那时的我，暗地里骄傲了起来，觉得自己坐在家里都有人问津。但自从已经安排好时间了，知道自己要定时去应征了，反而开始想，这些是我想要的吗？不是说好七月过后才工作的吗？而且为何要去槟城？为何要去一个自己可说是完全不认识的地方开始新生活？吉隆坡不是才刚开始适应吗？

我搞不懂自己，到底要什么？为什么可以仓促做出那样的决定？还在电话里口口声声说我愿意在槟城逗留工作。我到底抱着什么样的心态来面对自己？面对那两间公司？如果我见成了，但是又突然不想在槟城工作，那我岂不是浪费别人时间？想太多了对吧？我又没有工作经验，别人很容易替代我的。

这几天，还是说服了自己，不要想那么多，先全部都去面试，看看自己的能力，是否与兴趣和公司要求符合，才作打算。不要暗地里想些有的没的，最后搞到自己放假都在压力。那天还做梦自己面试失败，什么东西啊！！！可不可以不要连发梦都胡思乱想啊！

其实自己做了不少功课，读了很多面试的资料，什么该说，什么不该说。到头来，我还是觉得自然就好。因为网上都教大家去了解公司背景，知道公司的运作，那对我来说，有点擦鞋，有点先入为主了。明明自己根本就不懂，还要搞到很像很懂酱。我觉得最主要还是知道到底那份工要求我什么，然后我对公司有什么期盼，才决定自己会不会做的开心。

说实话，我不想让全部公司对我期望太高（那会不会很别扭啊？），因为等下shortlisted过后，我又突然找借口说不要去第二次面试了，那很像很坏咯。我觉得如果第一次面试，会让我觉得自己不适合，我就会随便回答他的问题，好让他们fail我。

是不是觉得我很吊高来卖？其实我承认我是，虽然我并不高，但是我个人，是一个不能够逼自己在不喜欢的环境下工作的人。所以就算薪水再高，但是我不开心，我是表现不好的。

好啦，其实上面说的只是lost in the reality part 3 而已。下面是多愁善感了。。。。

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

在家里还有两个多小时就要上机场了。东西都拿完出来，丢在一堆，还没有进行李箱。其实还是那句，我真的依依不舍。我发觉到，我不喜欢复杂的城市生活，一大堆的车，早上空气就厚厚的。我这里，晴空万里，现在还能听到鸟虫声，吉隆坡有吗？没有咯，只有车声，冷气声。

我喜欢跟妈妈在一起，其实她也希望孩子们在身边陪她，她现在一个人住。但是没办法，如果我在这里工作，我得不到自己想要的生活，经验和薪水方面。

刚才在翻箱倒柜，找我需要的文件时，翻到了很多回忆，我竟然翻出了小学通讯录！还翻到很多中学的东西，现在想起，其实还是记忆犹新。岁月真的不留人，自己已经24岁了，真的要踏出社会工作，竞争了，还没开始，就觉得工作很累人了。

呼吸着家乡早上的空气，听着熟悉的20多年的鸟鸣声，真的觉得自己老了，前天拍照，看到了岁月的痕迹，看到了自己的脸皮，已经大不如前，皱纹已经出来，黑眼圈也渐渐加深，皮肤也粗了不少。连拍照的都主动说帮我修修我的相片。照片修好了，洗出来了，还是看得出，我已经不像中学生样了。或许是大学将我磨炼成这样吧，也或许是自己在大学没有好好照顾自己，过度熬夜、操劳，将自己身体对着干。

很快的，太阳出来啦。我不能闪躲啦，人生总是要往前看，我总不能一直赖在妈妈身旁不走，我总不能一辈子不出头，对吗？

我，要勇敢面对生活了，要与现实对战了。无论自己有多不愿意，有多不舍得，但总要相信，前方的路，会为我而打开。生活，会出现很多未知数，都是很有价值的经验，尝试。我要积极面对生活，要努力打拼，因为除了我自己，没有人会为我负责任。

天下无不散之宴席（好讨厌这句话哦！），好好活出自己的天空！共勉之！

现时已是6。40。拜。

OS of the day:

Nobody on this earth should be responsible to you, but you, are the only nobody.

Lost in the Reality - Part 2

2010-06-08T14:32:00.000+08:00

So Part 1 was about my sexuality curiousity.

Part 2 is about how I got the procrastination habit when I was such a great kid.

I was very punctual before that. I got my homework done the day when it was given. Even I didn't need to pass up the essay by tomorrow. I will just got my work done.

Then, I was taking school bus that time. Class starts 7.15am, but I arrived school at 6.15am. What did I do? Basically went to canteen and had breakfast, then still got plenty of time. So I walked around the class.

One of my classmates told me, "You have done all your homework liao la?"

Me: Yes.

Him: Why so hardworking one la.

Me: "speechless".

Him: Tomorrow or next week de also done?

Me: Yes.

Him: Aiyo, so fast do for what la, if tomorrow not need to pass up, not need do so fast one ma.

I was like struck by lightning and never thought that I could do that. Coz usually I will do my homework until 12 or 1am. Mind you, I was a primary school pupil that time.

After that, I learned that. I learned to procrastinate. Slowly, gradually. I even left some homework and only did it when I arrived school at 6.15am.

The habit has become my life now. I can't quit procrastination. At times, I think that I am capable of completing my stuffs. Yes, I did. But until last year, my third year. I became fearless. The procrastination has taken over me. I really did things last minute. Until my FYP, I even negotiated with my lecturer for extention of submission. She passed me the greenlight, even she wasn't happy about that.

So what now? I actually have a tons of unfinished reports from my internship. My lecturer also didn't rush me to submit. So I just procrastinate. And I just got my result last few days. I've got an A for my internship. What more? You guess I will do it?

Yes, I will. Coz I have to. The reports are legal documentation. I have to do them. And I haven't done the executive summary to be presented to the organization I was working at.

Procrastination. How many people actually feel demotivated like me? No, you hardly find someone that can procrastinate, yet can pull of his result. I am the one, but I will deserve something very bad in the future if I don't change. I know it.

Part 3 is about what I am pondering over my future.

OS of the day:

The ultimate motivation to do something is by start taking the first step and DO something.

Lost in the Reality - Part 1

2010-06-07T05:15:00.000+08:00

It's 5am in the morning. I am not rushing something. But I get used to nocturnal. I sleep when the sun is almost calling people up. I am living as a vampire.

Despite of the job interviews that I am going to attend. I contemplate about my life this lately. As a person who lives for almost 24 years.

I was a great kid. I was excel in everything. I had great personality, I had great results. I was active in sport. I mixed well with almost everyone. I never procrastinated. I was straight too.

What now?

I still can remember the first time I had a strange curiousity towards male genital.

We were playing basketball. I was guarding so he couldn't get the ball from me. So one of my hands was in the air, to guard him off. Outta sudden, I felt something on my hand. It was something hard and solid. And I was 10 years old. I didn't know an adult's cock would be that big. I held that cock of his, of course with his pants on.

I was curious, I asked, "Why do you hide an ice (ais batang) underneath your pants?" (I really thought so)

He said, "No, it's my lancau."

I said, "I can't believe it, it's so big!"

He brought me to a secluded place and showed me his cock.

At that time, I was like OMG, cock is actually THAT big. Since then, my curiousity towards male genitals develops, and that's not something I am proud of. I tend to grab any crotch that came across me (of course those whom I know!) Imagine? At the age of 10. Yes, you played the birdie-grabbing game, but straight people just play it for fun, I played it to FEEL the SIZE. I started to stare at crotch too, love to see men who are in loose or tight pants, to see the package being tightened, so the shape may appear, or swinging in their boxers.

I guess, since then, I became gay.

Btw, he was my neighbour. A straight one, he is older than me for 5 years. I guess he never knew he turned me gay. Directly or indirectly.

Another procrastination issue. I shall tell you in the next post.

Seriously, I didn't wanna blog about this when I typed my title. I didn't type "part 1" until now. But I guess they are linked and related.

OS of the day:

If you cannot find a purpose in life. You're just dead.

Penang Awaits Me

2010-06-02T19:51:00.002+08:00

Previously, I didn't know why I applied jobs in Penang.

In fact, I applied the two jobs just for fun. But the thing is, I received calls from both the companies quite instant. The first one I got call less than an hour after I sent my resume. The second one I sent on Friday and I received call on Monday.

So, it's set. I will be in Penang from 12 - 15 June. Initially I only plan to go up for a weekend trip but now I am extending my period of staying in Penang for job interviews. 2 some more. O_o~

I don't have a place to stay indeed. My godbro's place isn't that convenient for his family. So I don't think I wanna bring him uneasiness.

Some more, I have heard dark sides about both the companies I am going for interview soon.

Sigh, I talked to few people. But I don't know what I really want now. Penang, a place that I barely know. I am a fresh grad, I have no transport, godbro told me public transport in Penang is unreliable. I need a lot of effort to get used to the environment........

If, I really decide to work in Penang. Moreover, I am friendless in Penang. Can I bear with some situations?

I am really undecisive now.

HELP!!!

OS of the day:

At times, we are not getting the best, but looking for the best in the things we have.

The Journey of Life

2010-05-30T02:41:00.002+08:00

Life is unpredictable. We won't know what happens next.

I am standing in front of the diverged roads. Which way to choose? I am not sure.

With the unfinished reports, with the different job opportunities, I feel that I am going backward again.

I don't rest my mind even I am back for a week here.

I told myself not to worry about everything when I come back. But I still do.

I promised myself to only look for job starts July coz I want to start working on August. I won't be able to enjoy LONG holidays once I start to work. I know it. But I sent out resume to few companies already. Why am I rushing my life?

Some more, I am not meeting any friends in my hometown YET. Imagine? One week staying at home, just with family and TV.

I am feeling tension with all the uncertainties that are ahead of me.

I am looking for jobs in Penang. But why? What drives me there? I will need to start ALL OVER again if I go Penang. Looking for a place to rent, transport issue, new furnitures and things, etc etc.

I don't know what I wanna do. I am having low self-esteem. I have bad feelings that I won't pass any interview. Why would I have this kinda irrational belief when I know I am capable than that.

I don't know why I am depending too much on the internet. But the good side is, I start to stop believing people from the internet. People are not what they write and express. At times, people are pretentious but they don't even know it. Pretend to be friendly, pretend to be honest, to be good, to be adorable.

I cared about people whom I know from the internet. Yea, even I never meet them. Haha, funny? I feel so too. I should really stop that. I can be deceived one day.

I also found that, it's really uneasy to be yourself and expect people to accept you as who you are. In order to do that, you have to be mentally prepared that people just feel that you're weird if you're different than the public would expect you to be.

It needs a lot of courage, determination, confidence and pride, to do whatever you want and you think it's just for you.

If you concern too much about what others might perceive you. Oh, you should follow the flow of the ordinary people and become just as ordinary as they do. Or else, you won't get used to the alienation from others.

Am I ready for that? I don't know. I need more time to ponder over my life. What I wanna be and what I really care about and what I really can let go.

OS of the day:

Sometimes, no choice is better than choices.

I am A Person Too

2010-05-27T02:00:00.002+08:00

Whenever someone needs me, I rarely say no.

Whenever someone needs somebody, I would be willing to be the somebody.

Whenever I need someone, turn out to be most of the time, no.

The world has changed.

Nobody would appreciate when the good things happen without reasons.

Nobody would like good people.

Nobody would care for people whom care for them?

Ironic.

I am not happy with the current situation in my life. Yes, I am really not happy but I will get through it. Just feel very disappointed with people this recently.

C'est la vie.

OS of the day:

Things changed. So do you. So have to I.

Home Home Home :)

2010-05-23T06:42:00.000+08:00

Ah~~

It's the small road.

It's the lightless road.

It's the fresh air.

It's the birds and crickets chirping.

It's my mum who greeted me with smile.

It's my mum wakes me up with undescribable sweet smile.

I reached out my hand, to get hers.

I asked her to sit on the couch where I fell asleep on last night.

To give me a hug. I hug her.

She probably thought I am a small kid again.

Yes I am.

That's the way I want her to feel.

I never changed. I love her just as I was a kid.

Here I am, back to my hometown.

Here I am, back to the small town with frequent blackout (2-3 times a week).

Here I am, away from the pollutions of big city.

Here I am, become the kampung boy. I am gay (happy) now. :)

Btw, just found out a great blogger deleted me from his facebook, it saddened me a bit coz I never thought that he would do that to me. *sigh* Anyway, my condolence I would say.

OS of the day:

You can't find a place like home. I mean homey home.

Last Day - Gifts from Them

2010-05-21T16:05:00.003+08:00

I never ever expect people to give me gifts for farewell. It's appreciation. I am glad that people appreciate me, but I don't really anticipate people to give me present. Coz usually I won't need them, unless people know what I need. Chewah, cocky betul. But, you know what I mean.

So, I got few gifts from my colleagues. I got a shirt too, but too bad, the size is L, it's a polo! I wear S! Sayang!

Gonna show you guys some pics of the gifts. I seldom upload pictures because I don't have time to edit the pictures and also my connection is not that well at home. I am doing this in office. :P

Flower (fake one la)

Before unwrapped.

Thermo bottle, pear, notebooks, tie, chocolate, shirt. Got one soya bean barley instant drink I didn't picture it!
This was the Thermo bottle before unwrapped.
Some biscuits and kerepek from them.

OS of the day:

Great things always come when you least expected.

Final Day - As Usual with Gifts

2010-05-21T10:12:00.003+08:00

Today, 21 May 2010, Friday, is my last day of internship.

Indeed, I have a lot of clients to do follow up session, but you know, it's last day. You don't any mood to do anything that serious. :( I will be back to fulfil the task after I come back from my hometown next 3 weeks though.

Anyway, even I have sent my compilation of reports, which is the summary of the internship. Yet I have 80+ case notes, 20+ program evaluation, and 30 days of journal to be done before 25 May.

O_O~

What am I doing here?!!!!!! Okla, I go settle the journal by today first! KTHXBAI!

OS of the day:

When you don't know what to do, just step back, you'll see a wider view.

3 Days - Final Week

2010-05-19T17:16:00.002+08:00

Irony, all the bosses are going for a camp to Kuantan starts from today (Wednesday). They held a small farewell party for me yesterday. It's really small, just some bihun goreng and kuih.

I made my speech, a short one, but apparently people don't like speech, so I just thanked them one by one by mentioning their names and looking into their eyes. I also talked to my boss yesterday. That was actually the FIRST serious conversation between me and him. I guess that was a good one, at least he was opening up and told me his real self. I was glad to have to chance to talk to him after 5 months time.

So today, I talked to the big boss, to summarize and discuss about the position for a counsellor to be here, for the employees. There is a need and necessity, what I have done within these 5 months, have left great impact for those who contacted with me. Unfortunately, not those bosses, they don't know what is happening, coz I can't tell them what happened during the session and what happened during my workshop. Well, I will show my statistics once I've got them done.

Even the bosses have to admit that I contributed a lot to the organisation within 5 months. I conducted more than 20 training programs for the employees, I have 35 clients who have received counselling service from me. I build great rapport with the staffs from the top management until the lowest level staffs. I succeed to present a good impression for them.

The people from HR actually asked me many times to submit my resume to here. I am not sure, I am still thinking. Most of the people claim that I am being choosy. Yes, I admit that, but maybe this is not what I want right? I can have some time to put some thoughts on this issue.

Nonetheless, I am not proud, I mean proud-proud. This is an achievement for me. This is something I targeted that I would achieve. But heck, who knows I have hundreds of pages (reports) to type behind all those things that I've done?

Next step - going back hometown for holidays, get my reports done, email to my lecturers, edit my resume, and I wanna go for few vacations that I've planned. End of story.

OS of the day:

If somebody wins, it doesn't mean you lose, coz you guys weren't agreeing on a competition at the beginning.

8 Days - Morose

2010-05-14T22:51:00.003+08:00

Most of you might think that I am childish, think too much. I admit that as well, but still, I feel certainly disappointed, frustrated, scared, hostile, and sad with the condition.

I am having 5 working days to end my life as a graduate, but yet, I am thinking for the organisation, to change the organisation's culture and structure. Is that possible? Will you think it is possible for a fresh graduate, who is a Chinese, to change a government organisation's culture?

Yea, it is close to impossible = end of story.

I certainly have a lot of things on my mind, many many secrets that aren't meant to be told, but meant to be understood, to help to improve the weaknesses of the people.

Apparently, I am just a counsellor, not God, or boss.

My mood becomes very floating and uncertain this lately. One is because of the reports that I have to rush. Yea, I procrastinated, I slacked, yet I have to take up the consequences. Another one is I am worried about my health. The waist pain might be the kidney or colon issues, yet I don't have the right time to check it out. One more is I don't know when and what job I should be looking for.

My mind is in mess at the moment. But nevermind, just go and focus on my reports first I guess.

OS of the day:

It's weird to be normal nowadays, no?

11 Days - New Place

2010-05-11T01:10:00.001+08:00

So I moved to stay with my dad and my bro last Saturday. Moving was smooth, done in an hour, 2 rounds of moving my stuffs with Myvi. Yea, I don't know why, I just bring a lot of stuffs to anywhere and everywhere I go, just like there will be no stock tomorrow. -_-"

I am adjusting myself to a new place again. My bro is taking me to work with motorbike! I hold on the metal behind the seat all the time I tell you. That's me! I am half intolerant with motorbike! :P Yea, useless me.

What now? 11 days before I end my life as an intern and as a graduate, and most importantly, I will be home after 11 days. And come back again early of June for job hunting.

Can't update much now, I just hate my office politics. That's it. :)

OS of the day:

Procrastination is like the worst behaviour in the world but yet it's so contagious.

15 Day - Work Aimlessly

2010-05-07T09:05:00.002+08:00

Chasing the credit hours that I have to accomplish, I feel numb at times. Doing this is like no longer what I want to do, but rather just a routine, just a task to accomplish before 21st May comes.

Seriously, our training is a bit inhumane.

Remaining credit hours:

Individual sessions: 16 hours

Group sessions: 10 hours

Counselling and guidance activities: 30 hours

I have to finish all the credit hours within 10 working days. 3 of the days are occupied with the counselling and guidance activities. Means I have to settle 16 individual sessions and 5 group sessions within 7 working days. Indeed, I don't hope I am still working for sessions for my last day at work. I hope I am doing my reports on that day. So, 6 days for 16 individual sessions and 5 group sessions. I certainly feel depressive, because of the asshole boss who doesn't like his staffs to come to me, I have 8 clients on his hand. If he is really to stop his staffs from seeing me, I am going to hell. Coz I have to find new clients. And to complete 3-5 sessions within 2 weeks is irresponsible and unethical thing to do.

Fc*k G*d, I need a way to settle this. I am stressful. I hope the boss is on holiday for 2 weeks. I will finish all the sessions by that time.

16 individual sessions, definitely something harsh. FCUK MY LIFE.

OS of the day:

Majority doesn't mean it is right. Nonetheless, by law, it is.

17 Days - Bosses are Assholes

2010-05-05T12:34:00.006+08:00

Today early morning, 8.10am, I was caught by a boss, who is NOT my boss.

He asked me why I never submit to him any reports of my counselling sessions. Coz he let go his staffs and go to my counselling sessions, but I never report to him anything. He said in a tone that I am wasting his time.

He yelled at me. I am SURE that all his staffs could hear that. He was looking at me fiercely, but I looked at him humbly and calmly. I was not afraid of ANYTHING. Confidentiality is something I shall abide, and staffs in an organisation, have the RIGHTS to see a counsellor, who is the boss to stop the privilege that a staff should have?

He even taught me to give him report every month, said what as a counsellor in organization, I should do that. BULLSHIT! Since when there is a rule about that? And I am sitting in HR I don't know? I replied him, "There is no guideline on that and I will discuss with my boss and big boss (also his boss) later." He was quiet for a while.

After that, I went to see my immediate boss right away. I wanted to make sure that what he said was based on proof. So, what did I get? He was just bullshitting with me without any proofs. He was just trying to belittle me in front of his staffs. Does he know that? That was VERY LOW? Try to bully an intern when he is unable to control his own staffs? And the staffs are not respecting him?

He acts well. His smile is charming. But he will never earn the respect that others have towards me. Coz he screws his interpersonal relationships. He talks sarcastically with his smile. You think people are that naive to believe what is on the surface?

I am now neglecting all my reports, and typing one VERY BRIEF report for him, to stuff his mouth and shut him up. If he is to query again, I am to prove him to shut up right in front of me just by walking away. I can do that. Coz I am leaving in 3 weeks.

Another boss that totally makes me lose the respect. Poor organization.

OS of the day:

Don't let your experiences lead your life. Instead, lead your life with the experiences.

20-19 days - What a Weekend?

2010-05-02T17:46:00.003+08:00

1 May

I slept from 2.30am until 2.30pm. Ok, 12 hours, fine. Then, I slept back again at around 6pm until 10pm!

2 May

So Bromance was coming to take me to his place. We cuddled and watched some dramas and you-know-the-drill thingy. Again, we didn't have sex! But he is just as lovely as he always is. >_< OK, that's not the point, we slept around 3am, then woke up 10am!!!!! Then I got back home, while I was doing my laundry, I slept again! From 2pm - 5pm!!!! ARgh~~~~~ I didn't do any work at all! I feel terribly sad wei! Anyway, I am going out yum cha with PL now, he said he will send me back by 7pm. Hopefully later I am not falling asleep again! I need to do reports and planning wei!!!! Phew~ Now I feel better with those exclamation mark. That's why I love blogging. Damn!

OS of the day:

PL said: It's normal what? If you tell me you didn't wake up since Friday night until now I also believe. -_-"

21 Days

2010-04-30T02:37:00.003+08:00

Wanted to blog in the past few days. I even opened the New Post page, but staring at the page, my fingers paused and I closed the window again.

My big boss in the organization told me something yesterday and he made me felt totally hopeless for helping the organization already. He is supportive, I guess he wants to help me to grad, but he doesn't really see the effort I am doing, and the effect I could bring to the organization. He belittled me indirectly with my "student" identity and underestimated my experiences in dealing with people. I didn't say a word, I just listened, and the more he said, the more I nodded my head, the marks of his in my heart, was decreasing rapidly from 90% to 10%.

No, no boss could be trusted. I don't overgeneralize. At least for the organization I am working for now.

My camp was cancelled by the way. I was sad, but not too much, the above incident saddened me more.

Seriously, it's hard to get someone to understand you and talk to you as if he is living in your stomach. My godbrother told me the same thing last 2 days, and I said to him, I feel that way this lately too.

The people whom I meet in KL, are all busily cramped with work, and have no intention at all to talk about L.I.F.E.

Do you think the same? When you need a listener, a person whom you can completely believe, and feel totally relaxed and comfortable with him/her? And you just can talk to him/her about anything, without feeling a bit of boredom and threathened? Know what each other wants just by a smirk? But you guys are not in a relationship? Or best friend? Even best friend can't do that too.

I believe that we have that someone in some point in our life, but as we are aging, it's getting HARDER to find someone like that.

Ok, I forgot there are people who just enjoy being enjoyable from the surface and they are completely fine with that. Oppz, just forget what I have said. :)

OS of the day:

If you don't want it, just say it. Don't waste other's time (market) by saying, "it takes time".

24 Days

2010-04-27T23:41:00.000+08:00

So how was my Monday? Well, I managed to find out 20 modules, but they were not well edited. Some of them are still in English, and without me rewrite it using the format that we use to develop a training module. I skipped the monthly assembly and to reread them, so that when my boss asks, I could answer. Finally, I explained to my boss some of the modules, and he got blurred. So I passed it la. :P

Today he asked for further details, but I was busy and he didn't really summon me and ask again, so I didn't elaborate more to him la.

Now 24 days left, I guess I am doing fine. Everything looks fine for me. I just have to move next week, coz my camp is on next week, I have to move out earlier. I hope the move doesn't make me need more time to adjust. Indeed, the hardest part would be adjusting my transport issue again.

Today, I terminated one group session and conducted 4th session for another group. The termination was ok, the group members were satisfied, and they learned something. They said that what differentiates me and their friends is that I listen and I discuss with them about constructive solutions and encourage them to make changes. And they felt relieved when they talked to me, and in the session.

Another group was a great achievement. At first, it involved office politics, but thanks to the cooperation from all of them, who didn't break the confidentiality. I helped them to report to their boss about their immediate boss misconduct (WITH GOOD PURPOSE), and finally the immediate boss took some steps to alter his mistakes. Now my clients are all VERY happy. They were smiling all the while during the session. They thanked me for helping them and they said if they never met me, they won't settle this thing and things will remain the same for them.

I am really proud of myself! I guess after all, my hard work is rewarded with people's warmth! I love it!

OS of the day:

You won't be able to imagine how blissful to be giving than be given. Try it.

25 Days

2010-04-26T03:10:00.003+08:00

Obviously, the concert did ease some of my stress. I went to Ah Mei's last year concert as well. Not to compare, but I love the feeling of last year's concert. This time maybe too much of rock element which made me felt not so ngam. Nonetheless, I screamt my heart out and I almost fainted. lol.

About my progress, well, still the same idiotic me. I rested on Sunday the whole day until now, it's 3am now. I have 20 modules to go through, edit and to present to my boss tomorrow morning.

Counting the day makes me feel very excited to go back hometown, to be with my mum and with my nephew. I really need some warmth, need some time that is solely with my family, the ones who love me, and never leave me alone.

I miss my family, badly.

Ma, I love you. *hug*

OS of the day:

The ultimate unlimited source of energy and motivation is L.O.V.E.

Sleeping Disorder? Me?

2010-04-24T06:29:00.002+08:00

I am a heavy sleeper. But I believe that when people are aging, they don't sleep as much as they were young.

But that isn't applicable for me. -_-"

I go back home everyday around 6pm. Do some housechore, and I will sleep around 7-8pm, then I wake up at 12-3am. I thought that would be enough for me to recharge and work! But heck! No, I will fall asleep 2 hours later again after I took my shower, make something to eat. Then, I wake up at 7am and get ready to go to work...... I feel so stupid. My classmates are all doing reports at home every night, but I go home and sleep every night.

I feel so bad about this. I know I know, it's all about our mind and how we convince our mind and set our mind to not be lazy right?

*sigh*, I wonder when I will gain my internal motivation.

Work is pilling up and yet I don't feel anything about it. I don't know when I will learn my lesson. I guess I just need someone to sit beside me and coach me with a whip then I would be able to work.

STUPID FCUKING PROCRASTINATOR!

OS of the day:

Busy as hell but lazy and yell!

28 Days

2010-04-23T09:00:00.003+08:00

All my titles from now on will be descending from 28 days to 0 day. Which indicates my life as an intern will end when the countdown has been completed.

Today, is the last 28th day of my internship, and I shall record my progress in this final stage.

The blardy credit hours that I have to accomplish within 20 weeks.

Individual session - 80 hours

Group session - 40 hours

Counselling and guidance activities - 180 hours.

Remaining

Individual session - 25 hours

Group session - 20 hours

Counselling and guidance activities - 43.5 hours

Come to implementation part, it's ok for me to handle, but I hate reports and I only completed like 20% of the reports. Seriously, I hate reports.

OS of the day:

If our brain can help with documentation without needing us to retrieve and type and print it out, it would be a perfect invention.

Brave Attempt

2010-04-22T14:40:00.002+08:00

Due to my dryness in wanting to get a vacation or a getaway outta KL.

And my company got a training camp site in Malacca. I was suggesting to my immediate boss to go there and organize a teambuilding camp. She agreed with me! Then we were discussing how to tell our boss (ok, we both don't really our boss).

So, we went to boss' room after we rehearsed the questions that he might question us. AS EXPECTED, he asked those questions and we were ready for those questions. Surprisingly, he was being supportive. He asked me to draft the paper within 2 hours and submit to him.

Finally, I did. Now need to wait for him to present to big boss. But I guess big boss has no problem with that. 4D3N camp, budget RM7000+. It is very reasonable no?

Now my part is to find out related modules which are about teamwork and stress management. I don't wanna ask the participants to design group flags again. That's lamer than lamb chop. I will find out something else.

Argh~~~~ I will get to visit Malacca soon!!! Early of May! Some more it's all free!!!! Weeeee~~ I am very good in taking advantage? :P Some more the camp site got waterfall! WAh!!!!!!

Hahaha, I feel very excited about that. But of course, I feel pressure at the same time, this is because I have to pull it off, in order to impress my boss and the big boss about what counsellor can do for an organization by organizing such camp.

Mind you, the camp is for staffs aka employees.

I can manage it. Let's do it!

OS of the day:

If you try, you have the 50-50 probability to fail or to succeed. If you don't, you know the drill.

I Need A Vacation

2010-04-22T01:19:00.000+08:00

My last vacation was on December. OK, it was in KL as well. Darn!

How could I have no vacation? When I have the record of taking 21 flights in 2009 as a student?

Argh~~~~ All because of I have to deal with this enduring internship which will end in a month!

Holidays, vacations! Here I come!!!

Anyway, I will be going up to Penang during middle of June and going to Phuket during July.

Anymore trips? Anyone wanna go anywhere with me? June and July. :)

I guess no one will comment and wanna go with me unless you know me in person. LOL.

I just got remark from my best friend, PL. He told me that some mutual friends of ours said that my status updates are very annoying coz they're emo. I asked him to ask them just block my updates or just delete me. Ok, they do block it already.

I was really upset when PL told me that. I really rather he didn't tell me that. Grr~~ Making me emo for few hours coz I don't know which friends are saying that to HIM, instead to me......

Same goes to this blog. If you don't want to read, just go away~~~

I have to learn how to BE MYSELF. I don't need thousands friends, the ones who know me, will know why they never leave me.

OS of the day:

Be yourself is happy. So be yourself. But how to be yourself? It's when you don't bother what others comment about your characteristics.

What Pain is That? Scary T_T

2010-04-21T13:50:00.001+08:00

My left side of my stomach has been repeatedly painful since end of January.

I went to check it during February. Doctor gave me some medicines for reducing muscle pain. I didn't take those meds as I was ok when I seek the doctor indeed.

So now it's back. I took those medicines and they don't seem to really help me to ease the pain.

I don't have time to go for further checking indeed. I want to, but my working condition doesn't really allow me to do so.

It's touch wood to say, I rather die than to repeat this endurance (my internship).

I don't know what to say, I just wish that I will be able to get through 30 days, then I will go check myself up.

OS of the day:

Under some circumstances, it's better to die I tell you.

Breakdown

2010-04-17T01:38:00.003+08:00

Today was my supervision and I had no idea how I could burst into tears in front of my lecturer for twice.

After I conducted the individual session, I suddenly felt like crying. I felt like I couldn't hold it anymore. So after the client left, I cried. I told him about my concern, I told him that I really work hard, and I really try my best in my internship. So, finally, he loosened the rules and regulation for me to claim credit hours. Each workshop I conducted will be rewarded with extra 2 credits, IF I do the post analysis from the participants' evaluation.

So, I back into my office while he was away for his Friday Prayer. I was trying to put my emotions back into one piece and typing my report. I skipped my lunch....... Coz I wanted to write more reports, but my min was blank, 1.5 hours, I was only able to write 2 pages, which equal to one session case note.

The next session was a group session. It was delayed due to clients were late. Eventually still managed to do it la. I knew I was not performing well during the group session. I worried too much about my performance in front of my supervisor until I was lost in certain point.

After the session finished, the athlete counsellor in there was here to visit my supervisor. My supervisor challenged her to conduct a session so that he could give comment. I was the client. Again, you have to believe in the power of counselling. You can become very vulnerable when there is someone to listen to you with his/her whole attention and effort. I bursted into tears for second time, and this time was even further until my nose was blocked.

I didn't expect myself to cry for the second time, and this time I poured out EVERYTHING. I talked about my concern about my future, the mugging incident, the landlord issue, transport issue, workplace dilemmas, and the most importantly, the credit hours that I have to accomplish.

The session ended 6pm. The athlete counsellor and me are very close indeed. She was shocked when I cried, coz she has never got the chance to see me breakdown like that. But she did a great job, at least she was very attentive and giving me space to talk.

So, my lecturer summarized that I am actually weak, but I pretend to be strong all the time. Yes, I am, but when I pretend that I am strong, I am technically strong and I could perform well in my tasks.

The supervision was finally over, I cried twice. I don't feel good about it. Seriously.

OS of the day:

If others can do it, why you can't? It's simply because you are not others.

First Job Interview in My Life

2010-04-12T20:53:00.002+08:00

What now? I am in another stage of my life.

One more months and my life as a Bachelor's Degree student will end. If that is the end of something, means it's the beginning of something.

Yes, it's job hunting now.

Remember the last time I told you guys I was asked to meet with interviewer last time? Yes, it was postponed until today because of the bosses were suddenly called up for something that day.

This is a training and development company and it's still new. It was established since 2007.

Here is it. Take a look. http://accordia.com.my/

Please give your comments if you want to give me some input about this company. They only have FIVE persons including the bosses.

During the interview, they said it's not a interview but more like a gathering that we get to know each other more. I agree with them. But still, the questions they asked were all interview questions LOL.

They asked about my background, my experience in this and that, do I know this and that. I answered them all quite well, but only 1 question failed me miserably.

They asked me whether I read motivational books from the famous authors. All the names they mentioned, I said, "NO". LOL. I felt so embarrassed but still, I was being honest. :)

The "interview" session lasted for an hour. Two persons VS me. I was ok though. As I don't really put hope in this job. I guess I have to really put a lot of efforts to help them expanding the business as there are only FIVE persons in an organization within 4 years.

Haha, I take it as an interview process. I know where to polish my interview "answer scheme" I guess. :P

Thanks for the interviewers and I definitely adore their passion to start up a training company and still remain so few people in the company. All the money masuk pocket lo! What else!?

Anyway, please give your comments about this company after you view their websites. I would really like to know more, since I know almost nothing about my future.

OS of the day:

Everyday is a new adventurous day. :)

Numbness is Numb

2010-04-11T14:27:00.000+08:00

Just one day after I got robbed, I walked by the same bus stop today. VERY cautious with ANYONE passed by, looked behind every 10 seconds. I guess it really needs time to heal.

Why I walked? Coz I was back from my Bromance's place. This time I was treated differently. I guess this is the end. I shouldn't look for him anymore, if it's not for "fun". I can move on now, coz the way he treats me, I could tell, we're not for each other. But still, at least I got to see him again, and shared our mind.

I can't feel anything at the moment. It seems too complicated for me. Not the bromance, but everything.

Landlord just told me I shall move out on 5-6 May coz she has found a new tenant without informing me. Now I have to stay with my uni mate aka my housemate if I wanna extend my rental. And, only if my uni mate is willing to do so. AND, only if I WANT to stay with him for 3 weeks.

I don't know where I should go.

Work is too stressful but I can't avoid it. I am numb. I am feeling nothing but actually I am feeling everything. Do you get what I mean?

I guess you do, everyone has that moment.

OS of the day:

Try to put your mindset that you're working for the first day or the last day in your job, you'll feel much better.

Robbed by FUCKING MIDDLE AGE CHINESE UNCLE

2010-04-09T10:47:00.002+08:00

I was waiting for my colleague to pick me up to work as usual. I was alone at the bus stop.

Suddenly there was a motorcycle stopped behind me. 2 persons. One of them got off from the motorcycle and walked slowly towards me.

I thought he was to ask direction. I was REALLY that naive. He walked in front of me. He flaunt his knife inside his jacket.

He asked me to take out all my cash. I took out my wallet and gave him all he could see. RM300 mind you. Still got some hidden cash less than RM100 I kept la.

Then, he asked for phone. I got 2, I reached my pocket and wanted to take out both. I was smart enough to hand him one, the cheaper one. RM500 mind you.

He didn't take my wallet and my laptop. I felt grateful for that.

Then, he shouted me to stand up and walk towards the opposite direction of him. If I look back he will stab me. So I just did.

I was traumatized. I couldn't do anything. I am having a workshop to conduct today. I couldn't just quit and have my holiday.

I skip my lunch almost everyday by just eating biscuits to save some cash. The RM300 was just put in my wallet for the sales in front of my office.

I guess I don't know what to say anymore.........

I am traumatized. I didn't cry, coz I couldn't show my weakness in front of my colleagues and clients.

I HATE those robbers and snatch thieves. I never cursed and I curse them to die now fall down from their motorcycles, 3 tan lorry runs them over and reverse and run over until they are stuck as flat as the road.

OS of the day:

Hope they burn in hell with pouring boiling water and oil with salt and lime juice on their skin. Anymore poisonous curse?

Bad Mood Day

2010-04-07T22:51:00.003+08:00

1. Was having 3 counselling sessions today. They gave me real headache. You may try to listen to people for 4 hours, and process all the info they pour out to you, and observe their expression, eye contact and body language.

2. I got tons of reports to be finished = 60 case notes, 30+ journals, 5 program reports, log books. They have to be done before Next Friday.

3. Thought I can cook tonight, when I was boiling some drinking water and preparing ingredients for cooking, the gas ran out. I called the gas delivery and they only operate from 9.30am - 5.00pm. So, if they do deliver on weekends, I will be fine. If they don't, FMLH(hard). So finally I called my friend to bring me out for tabau.

4. My housemate, aka my uni friend, starts to make me feel annoyed again. Yes, I am very "nyim jim" housemate. He left the rubbish there for 3 days when most of the rubbish was thrown by him. He drinks water without noticing the water level is going down. Even if he boils water, he tends to forget he is boiling water and happily watching TV with his smelly armpit on the couch (GOSH, how I know? I slept on the couch last night and YES, it kena my face). He doesn't really clean the kitchen sparkling clean coz I could see the wok isn't probably washed, stove area is oily, watermark is there after he uses the kitchen.

YES, these are miscellaneous, but it is enough to make me stop talking to him for 2 days, and he didn't know what happens and he doesn't bother to ask as well.

See? That's why I don't like to stay with friends, coz I see it coming. Yes, I am clean freak and bitch.

5. On the way back from tabau, my mum called and told me my nephew is having infection from the chicken pox. He is on saline drip and the nurses had to poke many times because they couldn't find his blood vein. I was already in bad mood and stressed, I almost cried in the phone when I listened to my mum.

6. I want to cry, but don't know why, my tears won't drop. And I don't know what to do. I have too much on my mind, which I can't drop them. Mostly my work, too much and some cases are very difficult for me to help.

I do feel powerless and helpless too, but I can't show it to people, coz it's my profession. You, if you have nothing better to say, don't leave comment, I don't need criticism anymore.

OS of the day:

When you feel stressed, everything seems harder for you.

Drooling @_@~

2010-04-07T15:15:00.002+08:00

Looking at the hunkies walking around everyday in the office, really make me wanna strip them open and suck em' dry. Or, something more. LOL, but I don't even get to touch them. Well, too bad, I work as professional who can't touch people.

Don't judge me. I am just another human being. :)

OS of the day:

You feel stressed because you are unprepared. FML.

C'est la vie - Bromance episode 3

2010-04-06T14:15:00.002+08:00

Finally here it is. Haha, I never fail to make myself feeling upset.

I feel doomed. I have to cancel my session this afternoon coz I am not ready, both technically, mentally and emotionally to help my sexually abused client.

OS of the day:

Love game is suicidal.

Missing People

2010-04-04T02:10:00.005+08:00

I contacted few people whom I met few weeks back. They no longer reply my text, what happened?

I just don't know.

The feeling is back.

The feeling of unwanted is back.

Nobody returns my text,

and nobody returns my call.

When I try to have someone to hold on,

not to whine,

but just to hang out for a meal,

or cuddle me.

No one.

No one.

I really didn't do anything wrong.

Why do people will shrug me off just like that? When they were so happy to see me last time.

Why..........

OS of the day:

Courtesy is just something to be done nowadays when it's convenient. Don't you think so?

titleless

2010-04-03T02:12:00.002+08:00

I don't know how to title this post.

I don't draft my post, probably another ranting post. Go away if you don't want to read.

Work has been pilling up. Too stressful workload, and yet I am procrastinating.

I work 8-5pm. But working in office is for implementation, I have to work out my report at home, which is after 5pm, which is something I don't do since January until now.

Imagine ALL the reports? I failed to do them during my lecturer's last visiting. He didn't really scold me, but he reminded me to make sure I got them done this time he visits, which is 2 weeks from now.

I have very moody feeling whenever I come to think about it.

.......................................................................................

On the other hand, I guess I am living a lusty life. I look for cuddling and foreplay in gay websites. I am desperate. I easily fall for someone.

I feel like I am messing with my own life. I can't even go hang out with my friends, coz I wanna save money, and I can't afford to make myself tired over the weekend, and fail to do any reports. I have been home for at least a month already....... Which I feel like I am totally cut out from my social world.

The only thing I do, is looking for people who are willing to take me home, and cuddle me to sleep.........

How pathetic I could be? I know I can be better, but I don't know how. GOD DAMN IT.

OS of the day:

A doctor can't operate on his own tumor. So do I.

C'est la vie - Bromance episode 2

2010-04-01T18:17:00.004+08:00

Today is April's Fool. I texted him.

Me: I vomit blood.......

Him: Physically or wording?

Me: Both......

Him: I dono you la..... If you vomit blood, ask your friend to take you to clinic.

Me: (pretend nothing) haha, it was an April's Fool joke.

Him: Know lo. That's why I dun even call u. Haha. Good night la. I gonna sleep soon. Very tired adi.

Him: You are not the first person who try to test me by using this kind of tricks. Guess you know the purpose of this trick. Please do not do that on me.

I didn't reply his message................. The time we texted was around 12am++, 1 April 2010.

I cried to sleep, not those soundly cries, but silent tearing.

Today, I was really busy with my workshop, he texted me at 5.15pm after I finished working......

Him: You are busy or not agree with what I said? (Last night)

After few minutes I didn't have the time to reply.................

Him: Been tested in such way for many times and really pissed off. Feeling no good being "CHOP" ("labelled" in case you guys don't get it) as a bad guy. Guess I been chopped again for another time. Take good care.

Me: My dear xxxx. I am having workshop today. So I didn't even have time to reply you. I just got home, not even inside my house. I heart you and I won't hurt you..............

Him: Really tired of that kind of test. That's the reason I'm not into relationship now. Just wish to live happily without problem. As I mentioned, ur option is always on and available for other people.

Me: I'm sorry if you think I tested you. I've never doubted about your sincerity towards me. Your phone never rang when I was with you, you're not a player, I could really tell. And the way you pushed me to work, I could really tell too. Of course maybe I don't deserve (try drama lagi) your love as in the couple term, but I'm satisfied with what we've now (I'm really trying to convince myself to be the player that he wishes for). I was emo last night. Sorry.

Him: Haha. Sometimes my phone very hot one lo. Lots of sms. U don simply say. Just like all my partners not free on last weekend nia! (Imagine how my heart sounded at the moment he replied stupidly frank like this to me..............)

Me: Ok then. Stop finding me lo. Guess I'm just a backup sex buddy then (My tears started flowing)......

Him: Haha, backup? I have no backup. Treat all as same status. Depends on availability, time n first come first serve basis. Lol.

I didn't reply anymore.......

My heart is numb now. Once again, I felt the electrofying feeling on my body again. Literally felt it and I know I hate that feeling. Coz that's the time my tears flowing without even letting me controlling the.............

So he literally admitted that "you're just one of the intimatcy buddies and you ain't special at all"

I don't wanna show any interest anymore. I just don't know how should I feel, and what should I do.

I don't even try to hurt the people who hurted me.

What's wrong with me being so sane and good to people?

I don't demand for anything, but I always end up like this.

I know some of you will sound, "If that happens too frequently, it's your problem then." I don't need your comment like that, seriously.

How can I learn just to be a PROFFESIONAL HEARTLESS PLAYER like anyone else?

I don't know how many times I still need to wash my face with my tears. I don't even feel my tears anymore.

They are temperatureless. It's not warm, nor cold.

I've becoming more and more emotionless with myself.

What happens to me..............

I am really happy being with all the people around me. I am a happy person. But not when I am dealing with bromance.

OS of the day:

Not everything that said to you during April's Fool is a joke. And this post is not even close to joke.

C'est la vie - Bromance

2010-03-30T00:32:00.000+08:00

The weekend has made me a happy man. It has been long time I didn't get cuddled and taken care of.

He is a smoker. He opened his room door when he came to pick me up from his place, so that the smell will go off. He doesn't smoke in front of me. He rinses his mouth before we kiss.

Friday night - 9.30pm

He drove to my place. Wrong place though. I walked for 3 min to reach his car. My first time to meet him.

168cm, shorter than me. Cute. 34 year old. But looks just like at my age.

I held his hand, my palms were sweating. As usual, I'm not nervous, but I will just sweat. Ok, maybe it's my body reaction.

We went to mamak because he hadn't had his dinner. Chit Chat about our life and crapped a bit.

Then finally we were home (his home).

Brown furnitures, a king size bed on the floor. Cozy enough, just like his little own space. Ok, I imagined I move in. Biatch thought!

we hugged. Putting our heads side by side, felt his warmth and breathing.

The next few minutes, we were undressed by each other...... Ok, This is not a sex blog. But I have to emphasize, we didn't have anal sex.

He is not really a good kisser, but he is a good sucker and licker. This was my first time to get my armpit licked and it felt heavenly fanstatic and I moaned like a wolf. (Does wolf moan anyway?)

All right, this is not a sex blog!

We cuddled to sleep at almost 4am and we woke up at almost 1pm. He brought me to vegetarian restaurant as I requested. We both ate there.....

Then he sent me home at around 3pm.........

Saturday night - 3am (Sunday already la)

I told him I wish I were with him........ Coz I said I will be sleeping and can't do my work if I were at home (which is true). He was still out with his friends at 1 something for drinks. Later he texted me, and after few sms, he finally decided to come and take me to his home.

Before we reached home, he asked me whether I wanted to eat something, I didn't want. So we went straight to his place.

He quickly took out a box for me to put my laptop on the bed to do my work. When I was saying, "I forgot to bring my lappie cooler", there he was, he took one out outta nowhere.......

He turned on his pc and watched his drama, and watched me to do my work. He was really patient with me, I am a procrastinator and lazy ass, he could constantly pushed me to work with his way. I asked for peck, and we pecked 3 times and I had to continue my work. I couldn't touch his cock coz he said I will only be able to touch after I finished my work.

When I was doing my work, he will held my hand and caress my leg. He said it's compensation for me for being focused in my work.

Then I claimed that I was really sleepy, he went out, I thought he went to toilet, so I took a short nap. Suddenly something hot on my face...... Guess what? He made me hot towel....... and he rubbed my face.........

At that night, I was able to finish 12 pages of reports. I know it doesn't sound really much, but if I were home, I wouldn't be doing anything, coz I need external factors to push me to work.

We slept at almost 9am in the morning, and we woke up at 3.30pm.........

Again, we didn't have sex.......

He treated me a lunch at the same restaurant. Both days, while we were waiting for our lunch to be served, he smoked outside the restaurant. He was looking at me and doing something stupid. He played with his tongue to show his slutty face, and touched his body and acted like model. Imagine? A straight acting guy does that outside a restaurant. I was laughing in the restaurant.

After the weekend, I realized something..........

My heart is stolen..............

He knew I fall for him. He likes me too.

BUT..............................

He is not into relationship for now.............

We still chat in MSN when we're at work. He would ask if I didn't reply his msgs and sms. He called me just now just to chat with me.........

My heart melts........

It's gonna be another "relationship" that gonna hurt me again.

Well, C'est la vie.

OS of the day:

Nobody knows what will happen in the future. Why not just enjoy the blissful moment that we have? Lame.

C'est la vie Reborn

2010-03-26T13:27:00.003+08:00

Aha, it's funny to know that I am back to the blogosphere after 3 weeks.

Yea, judge me, I couldn't careless anymore. :)

I just wanna blog about my life. To those who know me or not, I really couldn't careless when I found out most of the people aren't really serious about the internet and what they say. So, why should I too, right?

Long-winded story cut short in explaining my reoccurring.

..........................................................................................

Today, is my first time in my counselling life, to encounter a client whose ego is VERY high, that person claimed that she is always right in everything. And she has never encountered any stress in her life coz she says she can handle and avoid the stress. People can never point out any mistakes that she makes, she can always cover herself up until people become speechless. Does someone like she describes really exist? No problem? No stress? No mistakes? Always right?

My hands gone sweaty when I was talking to her. It's not because I was nervous, but rather, I would go speechless on what she was saying. Yes, I might fight her directly if I wanted to, but as a counsellor, we're not allowed to do that.

We can't judge, we can't say something that will make our client feels uneasy talking to us. Instead, we really must say something that can CONVINCE the client. That's what she said to me too. She said to me when the session was about to finish, "If you can find out the reasons why I have to change and justify until I go speechless, then I will change. If you can't, means I am still winning." OMG, I was like, it isn't the intention to WIN a counselling session for whatever's sake.

Now I am thinking, I have to be careful with her, coz she is really not the average clients who are vulnerable to be cooperative with the counsellor and try to learn something new. Indeed, she wants to show that she is the superior, even though to those who are ACTUALLY older and WISER than her.

Gosh, how can I help her. I guess I have to start up a chatroom to discuss with my classmates and my lecturers about this.

Wish that I can handle this client successfully and give some insight to her that what she thinks isn't really always right.

OS of the day:

Don't insult or belittle people with your experience, but guide them with it in a nice way.

C'est La Vie Last Post

2010-03-02T00:05:00.007+08:00

*** This is gonna be a long post, but also would be the last post. Take your time to read or leave.

Do you ever remember the day when you started your blog?

What WAS your purpose? And what IS your purpose now?

Take a few seconds and think about it.

....................................................................................

Do you find that it's different now?

Yes, it is. At least for me.

From being an anonymous blogger, I slowly make contact with most of the bloggers.

Even though I am still anonymous to some bloggers, but I am no longer a stranger in the blogosphere.

From what I see in here, it's no longer just as simple as a blog to voice out whatever that is on your head. It's in fact like a 24 hours social occasion, everyone is on the stage, sometimes in the centre, sometimes under the big spotlights. Of course, vice versaly, sometimes in the dead dark corner that you wouldn't have noticed his/her existence.

People come and go, people choose what blog to read, what blog to follow, where to leave comment, where not to comment.

People are looking for attention, not only in the blog, as well as in real life.

People are choosy in making friends naturally indeed. If you don't click, you don't force.

You might not realize it, but during the first time you read someone's blog, you already have the kinda-permanent impression on that blog owner, which you kinda hard to change that impression, coz it's already there.

Some people are born to be attractive and gorgeous. Not to say must be having the drop-dead gorgeous flawless charming appearance, but just adorable.

While some are born to be good people, just that people find them less attractive.

All these are being monitored, guessed, judged, and interpreted in the blogosphere. It's certainly not something good to do, coz most of the time, we could make wrong judgement.

Now all the things are not the same as I started to blog.

You may not believe it, the blog has changed my life. It has turned my path of life to another stage just in a year. I grew up rapidly until I needed some time to adjust myself to the changes and new things that I have learned.

Thanks to HY, the one who inspired me to start writing. My blog was initially named as "A Trash Place of An Emo Kid", but I got to change that due to some circumstances.

Thanks to Samnasser, the one who inspired me to write with good English and beautiful flow. He was my idol in writing blog before.

Thanks to those who bothered to leave comments in my blog.

Thanks to those who follow my blog silently.

Thanks to those who like(d) me.

Thanks to those who dislike me.

Thanks to those who care(d) about me.

Thanks to those who intended to hurt me.

Thanks to those who already hurt me.

Thanks to those who judge(d) me as how I blog.

Thanks to those who took the move to contact me.

Thanks to those whom I took the move to contact you.

Thanks to those who are being nice to me, friend me.

Thanks to those who friended me, and defriended me.

Thanks to those who ever made my day.

Thanks to those who ever made me smiled.

Thanks to those who ever made me laughed.

Thanks to those who ever made me cried.

Thanks to those who ever asked me out for a meal or a drink.

Thanks to those who treated me meals and drinks.

Thanks to those who ever rejected me for few times even I asked.

Thanks to those who pretend to be friendly.

Thanks to those who are really being who they are.

Thanks to those hypocrites.

Thanks to those who ever supported me during my down time.

Thanks to those who ever been there to cheer me up.

Thanks to those who were there to share my happiness.

Thanks to those who warned me to be careful.

Thanks to those who treat me as a person, but not only a blogger.

Thanks to those who treat me a a blogger, even though I claim myself as a person.

The reasons why I start to thank people, coz I guess I will stop blogging for some while. This blog has a lot of impact to me, and to my life. I am being too careful about my blog posts nowadays, because I couldn't stay anonymous, and that will affect how I blog. I am an attention whore I guess.

Blog was to express EVERYTHING that I wanted,

but not anymore. Rather, I have to be careful with the comments that people will make. Coz whatever is blogged, could become the topic of the diner tables. And people can make serious fun and stuff about that. It's not funny at all. Well, at least for me.

Hereby, wanna make some declaration about myself. Sorta like 23 facts about myself thingy.

1. I am not as emo as you can read in the blog in person.

2. I am a very comfortable person to get along with.

3. I have never had a serious relationship.

4. I am a vegetarian for 11 years (deal with it).

5. I am a person who has high confirmity when I know I don't have the right of voicing out.

6. I could be very philosophical as some people claim that I sound older than my posts do.

7. My ambition when I was young, I wanted to be a broadcaster or news reporter.

8. I sing quite well but never have the guts to take part in competition coz I know I am not good enough.

9. I don't do oral sex easily. Or anal. But I love cuddling, kissing, handjob, nipple playing, foreplay you name it.

10. I am very soft-hearted where I will think a lot even when I look at a beggar or a hawker who sells his/her nasi lemak with RM1 (which I think that is not making money at all!)

11. I am a fast learner. I can excel in most of the things I want to do.

12. Too bad, I am quite a poor navigator, but I am improving on that now. I could see some progress.

13. I have never gone for clubbing. Yes, I am gay, and I am 24.

14. I guess I turned gay when I started to touch my neighbour's big cock and after that I started to look for anything dick-related.

15. I still hold my mum's hands in public until people are staring at me and laughing. Ya, you're jealous coz you can't do it I know.

16. I love dogs.

17. I love travelling with friends, but too hard to make it happens. Some more, people won't travel with me coz have to accommodate my diet.

18. People think that I am funny, more than you can tell from the blog.

19. My English didn't come naturally. I learned English in a hard way only since I was 17, until the level I was laughed by 8 years old kid coz I couldn't speak good English.

20. I set 10 alarms which are still repeating and yet I cannot wake up on time at times.

21. I am good in calculating bills, tax and all. I mean fast.

22. I don't know what I want to do after I finish my study.

23. I write better when I feel emo.

So, I guess I have tagged myself and done with this 23 facts about myself.

Thanks for taking your time and reading my post.

I love you guys, but I will only come back when I am ready.

Those who want to stay, will stay. Those who want to leave, will just leave.

OSs of the day:

Life is about choices. You just have to love what you choose, without saying the "what if?"

When you are too attached to something/someone, you have to learn withdrawing.

No one is worth your tears until you let him/her to.

Housemates Issue Again

2010-02-28T18:10:00.002+08:00

I thought this will come to an end. But things changed, after CNY.

And I am supposed to rush my reports, but I need to release my negativity HERE AND NOW.

The landlord's mum is here, from Ipoh, with her nephew. The house has extra 2 persons now. At first I thought it will be temporary. Until today, I heard the mum said to me, "We 3 persons eat, you one person, not worth it la, you buy your own rice la."

My landlord has agreed that I will buy the rice, and she can use it, I don't mind. Coz she seldom cook. Now, the mum is here, she cooks everyday. So she told me to get my own rice. Not that I don't like to do that, but if I buy that, the kitchen will be more crowded again.....

I have already got a uni friend moved in the house, coz he has some issue with his relatives. So, what now? 3 persons which I don't expect them to appear in this place.

Yes, it's the landlord's right, but I wasn't informed that they will come and stay here for QUITE A LONG PERIOD, which I don't know WHEN they will go back to Ipoh........

I am really unhappy about this.

I was disturbed, everytime her mum needs to make some comments.

"The hot plates will make the glass table cracks" (Oh lord, trust me, that table is strong enough to stand with the heat of my VEGETABLES)

"You cannot bring back people to home" (The landlord said I could before this, after I texted her and clarified, she hinted that it's better I don't)

"I need to cook now, your leftover rice........." (You can indeed just take it out and cook, then put it back to warm the rice, it's as simple as that. Not need to be SO calculative)

So far, these are all I've got, she is attentive with what I do, perhaps that's old people. They don't trust strangers easily.

Oh lord, please forgive me. For the sake that I could clean the house better than her, what makes her unsatisfied now?

I feel like I am just a visitor, but I guess I remember I paid RM600 last month........

Why this is happening to me again? When I could get my nightmare off of my life.

I respect old people, but not when they don't respect me. I can be very annoying if I want to. I am good at making people feeling miserable too.

If you decide to ask your mum to come over and stay so long, DON'T RENT IT TO PEOPLE.

OS of the day:

Shit happens everywhere, so? Just eat it is it?

It's So Uncalled For.

2010-02-28T06:15:00.000+08:00

I have officially ~~procrastinated~~ wasted my 2 days of holiday and now I am in big fcuked up time.

Reports aren't being started at all. My Friday and Saturday were spent inefficiently. Now I have left 24 hours for ALL the REPORTS that you can name it from the previous post.

My printer is giving me trouble. Just bought a cartridge with RM50 and found out my printer is spoilt. What to do with the cartridge? Drink it? O_O~

Then just terminated Digi Broadband today, and bought Maxis Broadband. It's good, just that, I can't stay in my room to surf, coz the connection isn't available at my room. Needa stay in the living room for that.

Now what? Show my reports to my supervisor in softcopy? What would he say?

Argh~~~~ I am so fcuked up with my procrastination. But I seriously feel this is too much for us as students to do within 18 weeks!!!!

Ok, ciao!!! Wish me luck!!

OS of the day:

You can't be spoilt any further when you've spent the money and things are not done!

FML Weekend

2010-02-27T07:21:00.003+08:00

Long weekend for you guys? Not for me.........

Supervisor is coming from campus on Monday to supervise my sessions, and check my reports. Due to my business (busy-ness) and procrastination, my reports are pilling up like serious shit.

1. 20+ case notes, each will take me around 20 minutes to finish.

2. 5 training program reports.

3. 40+ journal writing. It's about feeling and what happened, but it has format. I hate writing formatted journal!

All need to be printed and filed neatly on Monday before 9am!

I don't have a new cartridge now, I don't even sure if I buy cartridge, my printer will still work for me!

Some more, I wanna go to terminate the DIGI broadband, coz it's not only unstable, but the connection get congested, will not be able to surf after 10-15 minutes and need to reconnect again. It sucks! The WORST part is, I DON'T HAVE TIME for the termination before Saturday ends!!!!! I will have to pay the RM58 for 12 months to get the free modem, or terminate it and pay RM180 for the blardy modem. T_T

What kinda weekend are you having? Definitely unlike mine I tell you. T_T

OS of the day:

When life sucks, you just have to laugh at yourself, coz most of the time, you make it so.

Lonesome Aimless Soul in City

2010-02-26T16:52:00.000+08:00

This is not a post about me. But rather what I could observe the people are doing here.

Yes, the people in KL look very fashionable, high maintenance, rich (if you wanna see it that way), luxurious, whatever from the outlook you name it.

But from what I could tell, people here tend to look for something out there, which is unfinishable. Branded clothes, Iphones, MacBook, DSLR, whatnot. You may not realize that, or think that there is nothing wrong to keep chasing the latest stuffs with all your hard earn money.

When you get to realize it, it means you know you're actually working for MONEY.

What these things will get you to?

Clothes: Yes, classy, vogue, fashionable, luxurious.

Point to ponder: Do these last forever? You like someone who wears like a queen but has got a rotten heart?

Phones: Yes, sophisticated, drawing attention.

Point to ponder: You'll probably have AT LEAST 100 phones if you keep changing just because it's NEW. Back to the purpose of a phone. Call and SMS.

DSLR: Yes, they can take better pics.

Point to ponder: Do you actually need THAT kinda photo quality? When you can't really afford one? Or I should say, when the money is not yours?

Back to my point, all these are actually EXTERNAL FACTORS that influence oneself. Someone who has all the sophisticated gadget, could simply become hostile, unhappy, and blaming the whole world when he lost his iPhone. While the beggar is so happy that he still can eat some leftover from the restaurant.

It proves that, the more things you have, the more burden you will have. Coz once you lose it, you have to grieve over something. The lesser you have, the lesser burden you will have. Coz you've nothing to lose!

This is simple fact.

I am not here to say that it's not a good thing to seek for material stuffs to fulfill your needs. Nonetheless, you have to know, WHY you have to buy that, when there are other happy sources that can make you feel REALLY happy and meaningful?

Indeed, try look for INTERNAL happiness.

I may not sound convincing to you. But it's your choice. Yes, I rant here. But it's not you to judge. Blog is always a place to rant. For those who don't know me, thank God. For those who know me, you shouldn't ask me to stop becoming emo. Coz I am not, coz after I blog it out, I refresh and I feel really good about myself.

Unlike some people may sound very happy-go-lucky in the blog, but actually they are having crisis with their life. But just to keep the image of the blog, they have to keep posting happy thingy.

Is that congruent? Is that sincere to yourself? You know better.
I just wish that, the city people, can slow down your pace. Enjoy every single minute of your life. May it be a bad day, or a great time.

The reason behind this is simple ----- You don't know when is the last day on this earth. People won't remember the clothes you wear, the phones you use, the shiny shiny gadgets that you have bought. People will remember all the good time they have with you, ain't that sweet?

If you focus too much on the external factors in your life, keep on blaming the environment but not thinking about how you can change yourself to adapt to it, you're not gonna be a happy person. You'll never gain the wisdom of a human being should be having.

Enjoy your weekend folks. Happy reading.

OS of the day:

If you think you're right all the time, then I suppose everyone is wrong then.

Pool Encounter

2010-02-25T05:40:00.000+08:00

I was having a stressful day at the office. Too many work to do, so I decided to dip in the pool after I came home.

Looked down to the swimming pool, there were few people only, so I changed my swimwear and went down. Just right after I jumped into the pool, there were two guys.

First guy - Busy enjoying his swimming and focusing on his own muscle. Well, his chest was pretty impressive, but I guess he is weird. LOL.

Second guy.............

Now that was the interesting part. :P

The second guy looked at me, I could tell from the side angle of my eyes. Well, gays always notice when people look at them, don't we? LOL.

So, I looked at him, and I smiled. He smiled too! He is in his end of 20 or early 30. Something like that. Cute, but not really THAT cute, just average.

When I swam to the other end, he was right behind me! When I rested, he was next to me! For few times! So, finally, he talked to me. :)

We chatted for more than half an hour. When I said I wanted to go up after my last lap. He was sitting there wiping himself with towel, and then looking at me swimming. I tried to act like I didn't see him. After my last lap, I went up and grabbed my stuff, walked into the toilet. He was following me. I shut my door and I rinsed myself.

I heard him, he was standing outside and waiting for me. But I just needed to rinse myself.

So after I walked out from the toilet. He was standing there and looking for me, outside the restaurant. He then entered the restaurant. I didn't know what his intention was. At that time, I was thinking. When I can get to see this fella again? Finally, he was behind me again! We took the same lift.

But we stayed silence in the lift. He was behind me. I reached my floor. I turned back and said goodbye. When I walked out like 2 seconds from the lift, I somewhat heard, "hey", but...... of course I didn't turn back and walk into the lift again la..........

So, we didn't even exchange names after talking for more than 30 minutes. Now, I really don't know when I can get the chance to see him. :(

Is he gay?

Is he into me?

At least, we could be friends right?

I don't know his name, I know which floor he stays, but I don't know which apartment. No number exchange as well........

*sigh*, since when I become so unfriendly and passive?

OS of the day:

When the chance slips away, it just never comes back!

Comfort Zone

2010-02-23T08:27:00.003+08:00

I have been going through my routine now, not to say very used to it, but I am able to cope with my routine. So, I start slacking off.

This is bad...... I can catch up with my routine, but that doesn't mean I am catching up well with my reports, coz I didn't make the report writing into my routine at NIGHT TIME. Now work is pilling up tremendously, I guess I am so f*cked up now, coz my supervisor is coming next week, MONDAY, to check me out. My reports, my sessions and all.

I have 20+ session case notes, 3 workshop proposals and reports, 1.5 months of journal (everyday need to write one), and some miscellaneous that I can't think about right now.

Friday is holiday, I will take some rest, and continue with my reports. I can't go out for this weekend. T__T

I can do this, I will break my comfort zone. I am gonna pass my internship!!!! I am gonna get through this! Now is 8.33am, session at 9am. Ciao~~~ Have a great day ahead people~

*hug*

Freedom09 aka C'est la vie that you need to beware of. :P

OS of the day:

Everyday is a good day, if you choose to see it as one.

Where Are You?

2010-02-22T08:47:00.003+08:00

The comments of my blog posts are getting lesser and lesser already. I wonder where are you guys going? New blog? Or no more visiting to C'est la vie?

I wonder what happens to some people, they are just plain pathetic. I was mentioned in the comment in someone's blog. The anonymous (yea, anonymous is coward) said, "beware of c'est la vie".

I don't know why people wanna do that to me, when I have never done bad things toward anyone. Does this person know me? Who is this person? I couldn't careless. I didn't do anything wrong anyway.

Just don't like the feeling that actually the blogosphere is getting complicated. A lot of stalkers, fakers, hypocrite and losers who make me feel insecure to blog. Perhaps it's time to blog in Mandarin. Coz I don't see such drama happens to Mandarin blog. YOU, go get a life!

...................................................................................

Argh~~~~ Today is Monday, I slept late last night, I have 2 sessions to go for today. Wish me luck!

OS of the day:

If you have nothing better to do, go f*ck yourself.

I've Got the Internet!

2010-02-21T10:47:00.002+08:00

So finally, under the courage of my best friend, PL. And also my own "lust" to have the internet at my place, I signed up for Digi broadband.

The connection is unstable, but it's still bearable I guess. I have already downloaded 4 episodes of series last night within 2 hours. I guess the download speed is quite not bad. However, the surfing is not so well, as it will just stick there and you have to disconnect and reconnect again to surf.

It's RM58 per month, I guess I can afford that for a year? After that, I will own the modem without extra charge. That time, I can choose to terminate this and choose other operator instead.

One week trial period. Haha, but a lazy person like me, will be too lazy to fight, if the connection isn't that well. But so far, it's expected, and at least I can blog! :) It comes with a 3Gb quota anyway, it's better than Celcom and Maxis which just offer 2Gb of quota. It's cheaper too!

Digi, you better don't disappoint me, or else, I will make sure all the people around me not using your broadband!

OS of the day:

If you can promise a thousand of things, but do nothing about them, what for?

So Far So Good

2010-02-19T23:38:00.002+08:00

2010 so far has been treating me quite good.

Despite the fact that I had been staying with weird-but-not-too-weird roommate and dirty Africans, I already moved out and feeling blissful with the place I am currently staying. Even sometimes it's a bit far for me to walk to my office. But it's cool, I can take bus, or carpool my colleague. :)

Life in KL, indeed has made me into a more sociable person. But somehow somewhat, I don't know why people tend to encourage me to eat meat, when they know I am already a vegetarian for 11 years now. I never got such treatment before when I was in Borneo. Even if there were, they were teasing, and the people in KL, really ask me to eat meat enthusiastically. -_-

Due to that as well, some people didn't invite me to some occasion, because of my vegetarian status too. A bit sad about that, but what can I do? I won't eat meat because of the social status, because if people can't take me as who I am, it's not my fault, coz being vegetarian is good, I don't have to accommodate others.

Social

I still do get people who never mind to ask me out for meal and outing. Maybe we won't go to vegetarian restaurant, but at least the host will ask the restaurant whether they can make something for me, before we sit down. That's already very sweet for me.

Work

It is pilling up, but that's fine, I just have to make balance of my work and play time.

Relationship

At the moment is totally blank. People meet me up, just to make friends with me, even though they know I am single. Hahaha, I am just a good piece of friend material is it?

Family

Just missing my nephew, just got to hug him for few times when I got back to hometown. The little man is becoming cuter. Just can't wait to hug him again. I am gonna be a great uncle.

Financial

Maybe really need to control my budget, because everytime I go out during weekend, it surely will be spending more than RM50 per day. It's just for transport and eating mind you. T_T

Health

It's not that good as what I experience. My left side of my waist is painful for a week more, when I don't know what happens, coz I just eat like usual, which is healthy. My back sometimes also will be painful when I wake up in the morning. Geez, am I getting old too fast then I supposed to be?

Overall, I guess it's good for me. I am blessed, with good friends, with good companionship, with stable financial still. But I need a getaway to somewhere, just nearby KL will do, just get away from KL for a day or two. If any of you don't mind to bring me out for that during the weekend, can ask me? I will appreciate that very much.

P/S: Am gonna go check for my waist to see what is happening. Wish me luck and hope all the test results will turn negative!

OS of the day:

When you are sleepy, just sleep because if you don't, the work will end up as sloppy as you couldn't even know.

Training is Good?

2010-02-19T13:55:00.000+08:00

It's already end of February and this month is seriously making me headache coz there are too many holidays and I have to postpone or delay my sessions or work. I feel like I am not making enough progress. I already work according to my plan. But plan is plan, ad hoc stuffs make my plan sink like Titanic 2.

And now I am chasing my credit hours even though I am ahead of my classmates. This is not fun, I am unhappy about it. My uni is giving too much for us to deal with, I am really unhappy. I wonder how my classmates can be happy when they are having HARDER time than I do. It's useless to stay positive if you're not doing any progress you know? So stop saying me being negative guys. You don't know me well yet.

I am unhappy, now is end of 7th week, 11 weeks to go, and now I have only done like 20-25% of the credit hours I am supposed to finish.

I am busy enough in the office, but that's for implementation. All the paperwork and reports are piling up, I am really unhappy about them. I have to sacrifice my weekend and night time for them, coz I need sleep to perform during office hour. I want my internship to END. I like it, just that, chasing credit hours is not fun, at all............

I need someone to foreplay with!!!!!!!! Contact me!!!!! I am being serious!!!!!!

OS of the day:

Your fart is smelly, as long as it is heard.

Internetless Life & CNY

2010-02-17T11:14:00.001+08:00

I have moved in my new place for 2 weeks already. Am adjusting myself to the internetless life at home. I wanna see whether I can survive without the internet.

I guess I am still thinking whether to sign up for wireless broadband package. For me, it's quite costy, and just for 2Gb per month, it's a bit not worth it. Yea, call me calculative and cheapskate. I am so fine with that.

I have not been online for a week. But I always use my cell phone (GPRS mind you) to check my emails in case I miss out any important emails. T_T

................................................................................

I went back to my hometown on 13 February evening, and back to KL again yesterday. I was having not enough holidays indeed. All friends and family wondered why I didn't take leaves for longer holiday, but I didn't want to, because I will have to replace the leaves after my internship and that's something I am NOT looking forward to. I will sacrifice this year's CNY holiday. Think positively, I still had 2 days and got enough angpau to cover back my flight tickets. :)

My nephew is now 4 months old. I love him even more since the last time I met him. Coz that time he was too fragile for me to carry. This time he is more "solid", so I love to hug him and carry him. That little man, makes me missing him just right after I sent him off back to my sister's place. :( I love children indeed... Don't suggest me to adopt one. I don't pro gay parents.

Right after I got back to KL, my friend asked me out. We went for a movie last night - Valentine's Day. You guys should go and check it out. I lol'ed many times, applauded, hit my laps. That was real funny. A LOT of hot guys play in this movie too. :P My jaw dropped literally when Eric Dane was running half naked. LOL, what a jerk. :P

So now, I am back to office. Stuck here, cancelled my appointments, do "some" paperwork, and leisuring. I can't take it to conduct sessions today, that woul be a crappy session if I do.

P/S: The aircon is not functioning in the office. FML.

OS of the day:

If you can't get your eyes off of someone/something, just grab em' out.

Miscellaneous

2010-02-10T14:33:00.001+08:00

I don't know how to blog properly, who cares anyway? This is my blog!

1. I am too exhausted for my work.

Work 8-5 everyday. Go home, take one or two hour rest while cooking. After dinner, cleaning and all, it's usually 9pm. I rest a bit. At the same time, try to accumulate my energy to restart and work until 12-1am. Wake up 7am. I am SOOOO tired. T_T

2. I am thinking to buy broadband.

I know that broadband is unstable and it's only good for surfing. Broadband got download limit, after that I will have a dead connection. Wanna sign up streamyx, but need to have contract for at least 12 months. So, any opinions?

3. Counselling session is not easy.

Issues of clients' are different, sometimes they come to me, they don't expect anything. They just want to pour out everything. But, I could see potential for change. But it's important that they believe in my capability. It's not easy to dispute the irrational beliefs of someone's, some more they already judge me before anything.

4. I need vacation!!!!!

This is so not me, when I am stuck in KL for so long, but didn't get a chance to go here and there like I used to do during my uni time. I rather fly to Kuching for a getaway!!! But I can't!! Coz my schedule is uncertain, and also having financial constraint.

5. I need a partner.

It's not really about relationship.
It's not ENTIRELY about sex.

But I wish I always can have someone to cuddle or have something less adventure such as foreplay la. It's not really about the story of the male sexual organ poking the male poo-poo-ing organ (no offence please, just personal preference). Some light touching and kissing are really making me feeling comfortable.

Internal orgasm should I say?

OS of the day:

If you wanna do something, do it whole-heartedly. If you feel like doing something half half way, don't do it. It will spoil your reputation.

New Condo :)

2010-02-08T13:54:00.003+08:00

I texted him, "Hey, I am moving out on Sunday. I guess I need my own room and I am sure you need your own privacy too."

No reply.

*He opened the door*, *Silent*

I opened my mouth heavily to ask him, "Did you receive my SMS?"

Him: Yes.

Me: So how? How much I have to pay you?

Him: Your like lo, since you only stay here for a week (February).

Me: *sleep*. ZzzzzzzzzZz

So I moved out on Sunday morning, woke him up, dropped him RM150 and returned the keys, said goodbye.

I am all free from all my issues!

Now I need to walk further a bit to my workplace, a freaking 30 minutes, but I just got colleague to have carpool everyday. Hopefully can everyday la, coz you all know la, humans kan. Timing different :P

I will pay her RM20 per month. It's not that bad right? My new place rent is RM300 including bills, but no internet. That's why you didn't see me update my blog.

Hahaha, I am still happy. Got swimming pool in front of me wei! Woot!!!!

OS of the day:

Everything will be fine in the end. If it's not fine, then it's not the end. :)

Here the Good News Comes :)

2010-02-05T23:23:00.000+08:00

In previous post, I mentioned that I will be sharing with you about some good news. :)

Here it is.................................. *drum roll*

I was asked to go for an interview end of this month, perhaps for a trainer job, in a training and development company.

Indeed, I was surprised, when my colleague asked me whether I am interested to become a trainer, and coincidently, her husband opens a T&D company, who needs Chinese trainer. She had just attended my workshop for 2 hours, then she told me about that, and gave me her husband's email and phone no.

Without wasting time, I updated my CV and sent to him promptly. Not that I am desperate, but just to leave good impression to him. My email was replied few hours later, and he responded that he will contact me in the future.

I didn't really pay much attention for that, until I received a call yesterday during my lunch break. He asked me to meet him and his partner end of this month. Haha, I know it's just an interview, it doesn't mean that I already pass. But it means something for me right? If I don't perform, why would people recommended me to her husband and ruin his firm? :P

Well, again, I was thinking, I want holidays, but I already told her the time I finish my training, which is on middle of May. If I were asked to start working right after that. I might reject that post. It's because I know it's hard to get LONG holiday after I start working. The most will be a week or so.

Another concern is the salary. It's private sector operated by Malay (not to stereotype and racist), but I really wonder how I will be paid coz I've never worked with Malay before. (Government is different)

From the tone of voice, when I told him I don't have my own transport, he sounded different too. The office is in Bandar Kinrara.

Haha, I couldn't careless indeed. I am just happy and feel flattered, because even before I grad, I have already got job offer. :)

This is the happiness I wanna share with you guys.

**P/S: Tomorrow got meeting from 9am - 5pm with supervisor from campus. Mind you, it's Saturday and it's a full day meeting!!!!! FML!!!! Hahahaha

OS of the day:

If you do good things with the intention of collecting good karma, it's no longer a good thing because of the intention.

Blessed Moment

2010-02-04T21:32:00.000+08:00

Finally, it has come to an end. I have already known the truth, and is the truth very important for me? Many of you might ask.

Believe it or not. It's important, when you're involved, and when you're accused. The worst part is, when others believe that what the retard has said about me.

It's real ironic and funny. Judge could be made without concrete proof. Stupidity can't be treated, when you choose to be stupid. ain't it so?

I don't mind if you will come here and flame me, I don't mind if you want to take revenge. Coz for all I know, the ones who care don't mind, and those ones who mind, I just don't need to care, all right?

For all that you said behind, you're committing sin. You'll be rewarded in latter life. I just hope that it won't be too bad. Coz I've never cursed a person to have bad late life. It's pathetic, isn't it?

For all that happened. I earned, I learned. I earned the real friendships, I see those who are low profile, and always be there for me. I learned, people can be really hypocrite, and dark inside his soul, when the desire, lust, status, money, power come to intervent a pure friendship. People are good generally, but people are bad, practically too.

Lessons learned. Move on. Forgive and forget. Forgive, yes. Forget, no. It's already a scar there. Nothing could be done to return to the back. Which I don't intend too as well.

It's you, who cause the sin (I didn't use "caused", you should understand what it means). Not me, who is just being sincere in making friends and helping people. I just couldn't understand why a sincere soul can be so polluted in some people's eyes merely because some swordly words from someone's stinky rubbish crappy mouth. Forgive me to be sinful by the adjectives used, I was just saying the truth.

Now, rant is over. I moved on, I am really happy now. Coz I have happier things to share with you guys in the coming post. :)

OS of the day:

If you have nothing better to do, clean your house, walk your dog, brush your teeth. You've no need to open your stinky mouth. Seriously.

Here the January 2010 has Gone

2010-02-02T08:12:00.000+08:00

Today is already 1st February 2010, January has just gone, without apparent notice. My life as an intern, has been completed 1/4. How about my target and credit hour? Are they completed 1/4 as well? I am not sure, I really don't know how to count. Seriously.... There are too much unfinished reports, and some I don't even know how to write coz of vague guideline.

Today, I decided not to go out, just stay home, and try to write my reports and case notes.

..................................................................................

When I was typing this entry, I received an email. My friend told us that the policy of claiming credit hour has changed. Supervisor has decided to make our life more miserable by making the rules more strict for us to claim. Instead of conducting 17 training programs, now we maybe need to double it!!! WTFBBQPNMTMDDNM!!!!

OK, this post used me whole day to write, coz I was disturbed again in between. I cleaned the kitchen sparkling clean last night. And today when I wanted to use it, it becomes like shit again. So, I have decided. Lord has no mercy, I AM MOVING OUT.

I am currently looking for a room in the same area to move out. It was raining here, but I woke up with such a bad mood, today is supposed to be my laundry day, my healthy food day, my relaxing working from home day, but I ended up slept it off, coz I was too lazy to face the reality of the house condition. It's not that bad, but it becomes too bad, when I am such a clean freak.

So here is goes, my 1st February, with supervisor issue, roommate and housemate issue, relationship - I just wanna skip it and move on. It's ok to be single.

OS of the day:

Life is like getting away from one shit to another deeper shit.

The Fall

2010-01-31T12:03:00.000+08:00

Don't ask me why I put such a title when I am not talking about the weather.

It started with a friend request from Facebook.

Chatted in MSN.

Met up and had something dirty yet romantic.

Got back to our life respectively, but my heart was with you.

Of course, you heart is not with me all the time.

Keep contact, but you're not keen to see me.

I am just a friend, just a friend, nothing more, but just a friend.

I wasn't convinced.

Met you once again.

I looked THROUGH your eyes.

I saw nothing, but just a sentence, "We're just friends, ordinary friend."

I know, it's time to let go and move on.

You are just not into me.

I surrender, I give up.

I don't want to be in this anymore.

I don't want to make myself sad, I don't want to make myself feel numb,

whenever I think about you.

Nah, I won't say I love you,

but, I really like you, like you, a lot.

Life has to be so. So that it is called life, right?

I am tired, I am sick of chasing people.

I have to convince myself.

It has nothing wrong to be single.

But I am lying to myself.

I am desperate, but I still look for that mutual feeling.

It does not matter anymore.

After this wound is healed, I won't hurt myself anymore.

If it comes, it comes.

If it doesn't, it just doesn't.

OS of the day:

The person you like will like another person, and you are liked by another person at the same time too.

8888

2010-01-29T10:35:00.004+08:00

The hit counter at the right bottom side of my blog is soon to reach 8888 reader.

So, as for that, if you're that lucky person to hit the 8888, please email me at freedom.gaydom@gmail.com.

You'll receive surprise gift from me. :)

Just email me your name, address, contact number, and PRINTSCREEN the 8888 hit counter and send to me. :)

Love and hugs :)

Freedom 09

....................................................................

LOL, I just hit the 8888 myself. So, no present for anyone. LOLOLOL. I shouldn't visit my blog that fast. How ah? :P

Suggest another contest for me? I would really wanna give away something to someone who reads my blog. :)

The First Workshop Conducted

2010-01-29T08:09:00.000+08:00

I pulled off the workshop today.

The participants entered the lecture hall with sour face, they didn't even feel like look at my face. This was because they were summoned by HR department, somemore because of time constraint, they have only got the minute by yesterday, before the workshop.

Of course, as a counselling person, I know how to read some body language too. I used all the skills that I've learned, and showed to them, they won't regret to come to the workshop.

I set the workshop size to be 20 persons, today summoned 24, came 18. So the size was ideal. I made eye contact with everyone. Yes, even those who refused to sit in front after I invited them for twice. I started my speech. And I managed to make them burst in laughter within 3 minutes when I talked.

After few weeks working here. I no longer feel like I am a student, I feel like I am there to help them, because I am unlike others, they stab people from back, they betray their friends and all. I am bound to my counselling ethics and all. People start to notice me, my sincerity, my intention.

I gave talk for 2 hours, with 10 minutes break after 1 hour la of course. It's seldom that people will focus on lecture, you know? (At least for me, I always sleep in the lecture hall). When I was giving my speech, I know that the previous consultation experience has given me much much improvement for this time. I didn't even have palpitation and sweaty palms. Imagine? A 24 year old student tries to convince 26-40+ year old people, to listen to me, and to change their mindset, to be a positive one.

So, I pulled it off. I am proud of myself, and proud of my group members too. I wanna share with you guys here about one thing. If you're sincere in what you're doing, you'll go fearless.

After the workshop, I just rested for half an hour, and proceed with 2 counselling sessions. My whole day was spent away with the things I am supposed to do. I feel fruitful, I feel blessed.

But my emoness attacks me again, after I went back home. After all, I am feeling really lonely in this big city, with no one cuddles to sleep......... I am just me, myself, and I......

OS of the day:

When you're about to have conflict, Stop, Think, Listen, Communicate. Learn that.

Early Adulthood Crisis

2010-01-28T06:30:00.000+08:00

A stage where a person enters the society but not entirely. Bound to the identity of student/jobless and starts to step into the society.

Working in big organisation is never easy, for that you have to be judged by EVERYBODY. Yes, everybody, even the cleaner will say something back at you.

I just got warned by people that I shouldn't close the door when I am having counselling with females. Well, I was pissed a bit.

Today, I was busy since 8am sharp until I rest around 12.45pm. I got session at 2pm, so I just took a 30 minute lunch break, and rushed to the counselling room at 1.30pm to switch on the aircon and all that.

As usual, my this client, ALWAYS comes late, I had to call him EVERYTIME, he will only start moving from his place to the counselling room.

Today it was unusual, I guess I made him feel too comfortable and informal. He was trying to talk to me like friends. Seriously, if you ever attend counselling session, you won't be treating your counsellor as friend. That's called counter-transference, where the client sees you as someone significant in his/her life, like friend, sibling, or so.

Just now, he asked about my personal things. I usually don't answer, but to make sure I didn't piss him off, I answered. He asked whether I got girlfriend and why don't get one? And ask me to target some people in the organization. He asked me where I stay and next time he goes there, wanna tumpang (stay) at my place. Well, he is definitely not gay, but he likes taking advantages.

One more thing that he pissed me off was, he asked me to write in the counselling session leave (the document to show you've seen me) for a longer period. Coz he wanted to take his lunch. He used his lunch hour to take nap! I was like O_O~ I didn't know what to do. He even said, next time we can have sessions there, so that we can drink and talk there.

I told him, if other colleagues see that, it will bring troubles to US. But I know, I will be in shit, coz he can tell lies and trap me. So, I insisted that I won't do that.

Indeed, this was the 3rd session with him. But I could feel that he is not interested with the session. He is rather taking some time off from his workplace OFFICIALLY. His progress isn't well, I just don't know whether I am still competent enough to help him.

I was wrong. When I thought I am good, I guess I am too "good" to them, so they are thinking I am a stupid idiotic person who is gonna believe all they say. We know clients lie, it's just the matter of how much and how far they lie. And most importantly, we can't judge, even if we dislike that.

Oh gosh, please, give me some strength to get over these 4 months. I really don't think I like it. I don't mind to work, but I am a trainee, I don't have much power of voice here. I am merely a trainee...... I am not THAT powerful. I am here to help, but not to "help" you to stay in your comfort zone.

OS of the day:

When you shit in your pants and you've no tissue paper with you, you've to use your hand.

Sincerity Counts

2010-01-26T12:19:00.001+08:00

Started 3 weeks and now it's the 4th week of my training now, I am actually feeling comfortable with myself in the organization now. Somehow, after I met my classmates on Sunday for some update with each other, I found out I am sitting in the comfort zone.

I ain't moving fast enough. Instead, I am just waiting for miracle to happen, which is waiting for clients to come to me *snap my fingers*. Seriously? Am I that naive to wait for people to come to me? Well, I am not that naive, just that for all that I know, I don't have the guts to go from table to table and explain what counselling is all about, and tackle clients from that.

I lose to myself and my own ego.

Indeed, after I met some clients, I found out that my strength is naturally existing. People feel comfortable talking to me. Normally counselling session will only last for an hour, but most of my clients won't stop sharing, until the time hits 90 minutes, until the literally felt that their mouth is dehydrated. Most of them felt relieved talking to me too.

While for me, I actually felt shocked by listening to some of the stories they shared with me. Coz they are really talking about office politics and all that. YES, during the FIRST SESSION. I couldn't believe that they would tell me something in depth, since usually the first session, clients tend to be defensive, withdraw, and self-protective.

I need to control my facial expression, to show like I have listened to those dirty shit since long time ago. Inside my heart, I was shocked. Well, that doesn't mean I am not genuine or being truthful. But that's what we call PROFESSIONAL. You don't expect a doctor looks scared when there's a pencil poked through your eye don't ya? Yea, laugh now. Same applies to those who meet me and tell me something shocking.

Once I've told myself, I wouldn't want to be a counsellor in the future. The reasons are:

1. I HATE paperwork. (You've no idea how much paperwork I need to prepare for pre and post counselling session.)

2. I don't see much advancement as a graduate of Bachelor's Degree. I am too resistant to continue Master's Degree as I feel like I am 24 and I am still not earning money. I don't wanna waste too much time on books to get the qualification.

3. I don't want to work with the government. The beaurocracy is something unbearable for me, and the way people work, is really slow and demotivating. FYI, I am not a self-motivating person, so, I will only be going down the drain if I were to work with them in the future.

4. As for private sector, there is less demand, and they usually hire Master's level too, coz Master's level is more specialized.

So, readers, what should I do?

I need your comment and suggestion here.

Other than that, I am proud of myself, coz I am helpful in nature. I like to help people, I can sit there and listen to people, and give them all the support that they need. I know when to interrupt, when to confront and when to give space to my clients.

Why I could be a good helper? It's all because, I am sincere in treating people. I have no intention to get ANYTHING, I really mean ANYTHING from all the help I am offering. If I were to get something from you, I WILL state it clear, rather than let you find out in the end. Coz that would be different stories.

Sincerity does count. The truth always reveals itself after some time of cooling down. Folks, if you don't think you're sincere, don't do anything to others. There is no such thing as helping others "half half", coz that will lead to GREATER disappointment if you are doing that.

As a person who always believes in heart to heart, people can actually feel that, you're sincere or not, in your friendship.

OS of the day:

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

I Went for HIV Test

2010-01-24T18:11:00.000+08:00

Sila rujuk kepada perkara di atas:
(Please refer to the title above)

So I went for HIV test in PWTC, Pink Triangle Foundation Malaysia today, by my very own self.

Someone was supposed to go with me, but he couldn't make it coz of some urgent thing. So I took the LRT to there by myself. It's not far, and not difficult to find. It's at the end of Jalan Ipoh Kecil. But make sure you google the map first, coz there are a lot of Jalan Ipoh Kecil there....

Ok, long story cut short. I wasn't nervous indeed, but when you know why you were there, the feeling will come in anytime.

It's a quiet and simple place. But they do provide quality service to the people who go for HIV test. They have pre-test and post-test counselling which will take you around 1-1.5 hour for the whole process, if you don't know much about HIV. I told the person I am a counselling student who attended HIV course, then it saved him some time for the next person.

After the pre-test counselling, I went for the blood test. There is this angmo, very gentleman, cute and polite. When I entered that room, I felt nervous..... So he calmed me down by joking with me :) But I don't think he is gay. LOL. He took my blood and I waited for my result.

So, yea, I am HIV NEGATIVE. :)

They have a donation box there. TOO BAD, I didn't have small change, I didn't pay or donate anything! But worry not, I will surely go back. Coz I know they need volunteers for this. They are really putting effort in helping LGBT group of people. I wish I can do more for the community.

Ok, Sunday gonna meet up my uni friends pulak~ Hope to help each other by listening and sharing. :)

Signing out. Love you guys! :)

OS of the day:

If you are sitting there and praying for the helper to come and help you. Keep sitting, your ass will rot soon before you are helped.

What Happens to Me?

2010-01-22T18:48:00.003+08:00

I am supposed to feel good about myself. Coz I am gradually getting somewhere in my work. Somehow, something inside of me, is being rebellious.

I am worried that I will become worse in some aspects in my life.

I seriously need to monitor myself.

I can't let that happens.

I need to control what I attempt to do.

It's not only for me, it's for the people whom I care as well.

Ish! I hate to control myself. But I have to.........

Ish!

OS of the day:

Life sucks, when everything you do, need to consider about the consequences.

Photographic Memory

2010-01-20T07:35:00.000+08:00

I wish I could have photographic memory now. It's not easy to try to remember other's names in few weeks time. If you don't really interact with those people. BUT, remembering someone's name is very important as counsellors are kinda advised to remember other's name.

The reason is simple, when you can greet someone by calling out his/her name, he/she will be impressed and flattered (if he/she is your new friend). It means he/she means something for you. If you don't believe it, try it. Greet someone sometimes with his/her name and sometimes just "hi" without his/her name in it. You'll get to notice the different response from that person.

In organization, people will notice you easily, if you notice them at first. So, what you should do it to memorize everyone that was introduced to you. You can still ask for a second time for his/her name. But NOT for third time. Coz when that time comes, you're already doomed with the name of "heartless" person. If you're really desperate, ask the 3rd party instead of him/her.

I am still trying very hard to memorize all the people who smile to me when they walk by. It's really harder than before already. I can memorize approximately 10 names per day. After an hour of interaction with them. Of course, I don't have photographic memory, but I do rehearse people's name in my head.

Also, I can't even remember lyrics after listening to the same song for over 20 times. Shame on me right? I still can remember, when I was young, I could remember lyrics within 5 times of repetition. People were usually impressed with my memory span.

Time goes by, lifestyle factor, less practice. I guess my memory span is going down the drain now.........

I can't even remember 10 digits (hp number) as good as last time. O_O~

OS of the day:

When I really opt to let go, I wish I could never look back again.

Titleless

2010-01-19T13:53:00.000+08:00

I couldn't think of any title for this post. Not that I wanna use that much effort in it as well.

Had a great but tiring weekend. Went to another Uni in KL for student program. Most of them enjoyed themselves and some of them asked for our facebook account and we rejected them due to privacy and professionalism issues.

Had not enough rest during the weekdays and weekends for the whole last week. When I reached home yesterday, I slept from 6pm (after took my shower) and woke up 7am to prepare to go work O_O~ 13 freaking hours I slept!!!

Luckily that healed my sleepiness for the whole week la. But, for the exhausting week, I've got flu, stomach issue, and also throat problem...... Grr~ I hate to be sick when I have to work. This is just so sien.

Well, I am not sick, just not completely well. I already dislike the feeling of not completely well.

As for today, my very Monday, I could see I have some progress in my work. I finally like somehow know what to do and how to work things out. Of course, I am still blur in some way. But if you're already doing something like eating and breathing, why you bother to do that right? I guess it's good for me, to motivate me to strive harder in my work and to let me feel my self-worth in the organisation.

I have to readjust my sleeping time, I will have more wars to go on, and I must stay healthy and strong. Thanks for all the concern to whom may concern. Your support is really making me stronger. I can't live without moral support.

.....................................................................................

Oh yea, something to share about my love life.

I am trying out with different people in KL. Go out with them, chat with them, talk to them.

But I guess, people are not really interested in someone boring like me. That's emo talk no? Haha, yea, I know I should be patient, and wait for the right person to appear in front of me. For now, I should let go of the guy I have feeling for, coz I know he is just not that into me....... C'est la via.

I will be fine. :)

OS of the day:

If things are always going as what you've planned, then no plan is better right?

Are You Aware?

2010-01-15T07:20:00.003+08:00

When you're happily enjoying your luxurious life and loving to loiter in the shopping malls, wheresoever spots that are full with unneeded but WANTED goods, are you aware that we are dying?

The more developed a country without conserving what is supposed to be conserved, will lead to the failure of that country in long term. This is because, you don't CARE about what the mother earth has given to you. YES, I say YOU. Because I am proud to be an environmentalist. I start with myself, I don't give a damn people say me auntie.

ALMOST all of my friends WONDER why I reduce, reuse and recycle. OMG, is that even a question that should be asked? I am the one who supposed to ask them, WHY you don't do then? The answer is apparent:

"I don't think just by my effort, I can save the earth."

Yea right, that's the typical Malaysian mentality.

If you ever stay in KL and any states/cities/towns in Borneo, you ought to find out, what is the big difference of KL and the Borneo - The air. The air in KL is so thick, that I have to take up to a week to get used to the air here. When I am in Borneo, I can't even feel that I am breathing (pun intended). If you ever understand what I mean.

Done with the lousy lecture time. Just some simple questions:

1. Do you carry recycle bags to go out for shop? (I do, 2 some more)

2. Do you collect empty cans, bottles, newspapers, papers, etc and go recycle? (I do)

3. Do you reject when the cashier put your purchased items into plastic bags? (I do, whenever I have my own bag or plastic bags I bring from home)

4. Do you throw rubbish anywhere you like coz you think that doesn't harm? (PLEASE DON'T do that)

5. Do you really realize you're making the ozon leaking? (I do, that's why I am trying my best to conserve whatever that I could)

6. Do you reuse one-sided printed paper for jotting notes or whatsoever? (I do)

7. Do you get pissed off when hypermarket charges you RM0.10 per plastic bag? (GOOD for you)

8. Do you use excessive toilet paper to wipe your hands so that they will be COMPLETELY dry? (Do that more, it's very good for you you know?)

9. Do you think that buying new clothes, new hp, new gadgets, new whatsoever frequently is SO COOL? (Well, you look cool, but you're empty inside, like, totally)

10. Do you really think that being a vegetarian is something unbearable for you? (yea, call me anti-carnivore, but you're causing global warming as well)

Don't ask me to provide proof to show you why we have to do these! If you need info, GOOGLE yourself.

I wish you guys who read this, will understand why there are so many natural disasters happen everyday, everywhere. Landslide, flood, ice melting in the north pole, tsunami.

You may claim that that is natural power, you don't have the responsibility for that.

Shame on you, if you think that way.

People, please. My royal readers, please. GO GREEN, GO GREEN, GO 3R (reduce, reuse, recycle).

Don't just because of wanna be cool, vogue, classy, and convenient, you feel like 3R is causing so much hassle to you.

Even if you're gay and you can't reproduce the next generation, but please let the kids of next generations to see what is nature. Let them play in the park, waterfall, beach, instead of letting them start wearing glasses at 5 year old, thanks to your sparkling brand new Iphone, Mac Book, Xbox, Flat screen plasma TV, PSP, or whatsoever gadgets that make people rather stay home and interact with dead objects than with people.

You don't see how much problems humans have caused to themselves. Because for you, development is unavoidable, and you should follow the TREND, so that you stay COOL, and won't embarrass yourself by taking out a recycle bag to put your groceries in.

Why I write up this post?

You'll be surprised why I come up with this post.

I watched AVATAR last night..........

OS of the day:

Wisdom is confessed by behaviour and action, instead of bitching about people and life. Don't embarrass yourself by doing that.

"Lovely" Housemates

2010-01-13T09:13:00.001+08:00

Well, what would you feel when you enter your rented apartment and found out:

1. The floor is as sandy as sandy beach.

2. Your containers/mug/cup are used without your permission. AND, they are not even in clean and original position after used.

3. You clean the kitchen to sparkling clean, and it will turn into oily and dirty after others using it.

4. You find out your internet connection sucks, coz your roommate is like downloading 24 hours a day.

5. You buy a waste filter for the sink, but it's taken away everytime you see it. AND, rubbish is stuck in the sink.

6. The cooking utensils, dishes and the faucet are OILY after they wash them. I don't use oil to wash those, I am not sure about others.

7. The table clothes are always in a ball shape, and not washed. STINK.

8. Your roommate is nocturnal, sleeps at 4-6am every day.

9. It's your obligation to sweep and mop the floor, throw the rubbish, replace the plastic bag. Or else, the house will be haunted.

10. You don't even dare to voice this out, coz you're worried that the Africans staying next room will do something back at you.

If your feelings for these are kinda like, "They are acceptable ah, I am fine with them."

Then, you can move into my place, and I CAN MOVE OUT!

OS of the day:

The real wisdom is never in spoken form. Be careful.

Discouraging Supervisor

2010-01-12T09:04:00.000+08:00

As title stated, my supervisor said something to me that made me down since the beginning of the morning.

He said,

"Boleh ke awak siapkan semua ni?"

"Kalau awak tak dapat siapkan, macam mana?"

Of course I answered, "Boleh, MESTI boleh!"

He then approved whatever that I needed.

Indeed, he is a supportive supervisor, I can do whatever I want to, he will just approve and sign. The thing is, he says things that discourage me most of the time. Perhaps he really doesn't see what counselling can bring to the organisation. And what Freedom09 aka C'est la vie can do with people.

Yes, I am small, even in the blogosphere. But if you know me well, you know I am good enough to influence people. I have the talent, I have the quality, why don't let me flaunt it with pride?

We shall see. Good day people.

I was quite down the whole day, until I got to talk to someone. Gosh, I am really blessed. I love the people around me who love me as who am I. You know who you are. :) (There are more than one person, so count yourself in, if you do love me.)

*HUG*

OS of the day:

When you breakdown, take a rest, and stand up, you'll get back the energy. Point is, take a rest.

I need more weekends :(

2010-01-11T06:27:00.000+08:00

Yea, this is a rant post. Deal with it!

Friday was really a good one. Not for me, but for most of the employees in my workplace. They could work like snail, and see the office as their home. They come on time, but take their breakfast and chit chatting, until 9.30am (office hour start 8am). Then at 12.15pm, it's Friday, so that's the time for lunch break as well.

2.45pm go back to office. Imagine? Just 2 more hours to be 5pm. You can tell how much people will do within that hour? When they know Friday night is waiting for them?

So, my conclusion is, Friday is a pre-holiday. Nobody is gonna work really hard.
.....................................................................................

The weekend was a tiring one for me. I don't wanna share what made me so tired, because it's really tiring until you won't want to know.

Argh~ Suddenly I feel like no life starts this week. Coz my weekend for next week is already pre-booked for a camp somewhere in KL. I know I will have more busy days ahead. Life is never easy right? But life is great, when you have good people around you. :)

People, stay cool, stay naive, stay original, stay cute, and most importantly, stay anonymous if you are not ready.

OS of the day:

When you are pointing your finger to others, you are pointing another 3 fingers to yourself. THINK before whatever you do or say to others.

都市生活

2010-01-08T06:30:00.001+08:00

已经搬过来这里两个礼拜了，已经渐渐适应自己，在这个繁忙的城市。

对，我承认我会喜欢这里，因为很多地方逛，很多gay朋友。

但是，我还是喜欢我老家的空气，老家的环境。。。

这两个礼拜，要很感谢我的爸爸和哥哥，帮我搬了那么多东西。

当然，也很感谢很多朋友陪伴。

我有怀疑过自己到底受不受别人欢迎，会不会被新朋友接纳，但那真的是在浪费时间。

喜欢你的人，就是会喜欢你。

不喜欢的，就由他去吧，还有很多人会喜欢跟你在一起的。

来了两个礼拜，我喝茶都喝不完。上个周末还一天喝了三场。

哈哈，我只能说，我不曾寂寞，我只是在自怜。

看清了，不再浪费时间了。倒不如看看电话簿，我忘了那个朋友我忘了赴约。

当然，茫茫人海，要找到自己喜欢的人，也喜欢我的人，不简单。

祝自己可以找到如意郎君。 LOL, 什么如意郎君，笑死人！

好啦，我很爱睡了，很高兴Danny介绍两个朋友让我认识，希望你们没有不喜欢我咯。:)

还有谁要吃饭喝茶的啊？来电（电邮）啊。:)

OS of the day:

If I am an unexplored well, are you willing to discover the goodness in me by digging the ground?

如果我是一口未被发掘的井，你会愿意挖土来探索我的好吗？