The Irreplaceable Him

Some things, some people, are just simply irreplaceable.

It started off with a research. I found him in a gay website, which I couldn't recall which anymore. It was my first attempt to even log in into gay websites to look for research participants.

He was very nerdy at first. It's rude to use the word boring but I couldn't find other words to replace it. He gave me the impression that he is very good in his study and at his work as well. It's like other than that, he doesn't do anything else much. That time, I did my research via MSN, so basically I was chatting with him, the process of coming out to his dad. To remain professional, I didn't really chat about personal life, but just focused on my research questions.

To my surprise, he commented that I was too robotic and "inhumane" because I REALLY focused only the research, instead of being friendly and asking about other stuffs. Well, again, I thought he was always busy!

Just happened that I visited Penang with my ex that time, I texted him after the trip. He was a bit pissed because I didn't look for him when I visited Penang. From there, our friendship grew into a different level. We talk more, we chat about things that are not only on the surface. We talk about feelings, we are being supportive to each other.

Just so you know, it is NOT SEXUALLY at all. We both are not attracted to each other sexually. It is pure friendship, but a little bit of special chemistry.

One fine day, he proposed, he proposed to make me his godbrother. He was serious about it. I didn't really think that much, although I felt odd, because I never call people "gor gor" in my life. In our family, we call each other by names. But yea, I do call him gor now, soundly and loudly in the public.

He is the one who takes care of me whenever I need someone to be with me, emotionally. I don't expect him to be physically present because that sounds demanding.

He is the one who buys me meals and presents, when he seriously seldom spend his money on others. Well, he is just being prudent because he has bigger plan for his future. And no, I never treat him as my sugarbrother because I never request anything from him.

He is the one who will plan everything for me, if I ask him to. I wonder why an engineer is better than a program manager, in terms of planning. He is so good at that. But I guess this is the price of being hardworking. I am just not hardworking at all.

He is the one who brought me to Penang. Why will I be here? How could I get this job? It's by chance, but by fate or whatever it is. He introduced this job to me and I got this job in Penang.

He is the one who gives me shoulders and head massage, whenever we got the chance to do it. Even at the escalator in the mall.

We do say "I love you" to each other. We do miss each other just after few days of separation. We do sms and update each other for any latest interesting news, etc etc. It's not an obligation, it's more like a thing we call life, we call habit. Something that you will do without being asked.

Can you imagine this relationship of us? That's purely naive, purely sincere? Never think about to take advantage, never doubt each other. It's platonic, it's lovely. Many people will question us, "Oh godbrother, so what happened between you guys?" You get what I mean? People thought that we were couple, or some kind of flings that couldn't be together because of some reasons. Sad to say, that is the trend. People become godbrothers because of those reasons. People become godbrothers because they want to "reserve" a place in each other's heart.

NO, NOT in our case. Our brotherhood is special, is unique, is extraordinary. It's priceless and irreplaceable.

Until today, we have never touched each other's private part, we have never been totally naked in front of each other. It would be awkward if we do so. We both agree with that. We cuddle to sleep. He loves doing that to me. I love being cuddled to sleep too. We hug each other when we see each other and before we say goodbye. It's not simple hug. It's real tight and long hug.

Now you guys must be thinking the same as those who think we had something dirty back then. Well, I can't really be bothered. We both don't explain that to others because I know the more you explain, the fishier people would suspect. Now I do have a boyfriend, he is really happy for me. As for me, I hope he can find a better person who could replace his ex's position in his heart, because he definitely deserves someone better.

It's now 22 Nov, 2010. He is leaving me soon, he is leaving Penang soon. No, not Kayell kinda place. He is leaving Malaysia. No, not Singapore kinda country that is somewhat still very near to Malaysia. He is leaving............ Leaving in 45 days. To catch his dreams, to feel out of the country, to live his life.

That leaves me to dilemma. I wish him well in achieving his dreams. I wish he could start a new life there with his own effort. At the same time, I still have not had enough laughter with him, not enough being pampered by him, not enough of his companionship. Then he wants to leave now, for years. I just can't help to be selfish but to have him with me. I once told him, "you brought me here, and now you're leaving me." I watched his expression, he probably felt it too, but then he rubbed my head and hugged me......

He promised me to get me return tickets to that country for holiday, when he is doing well later. But I guess he does know that, I just hope he will be doing fine, by starting a new chapter in his life alone out there. Save more for his own expenditure. May he meets good people, whom will help him to smoothen his way in pursuing his dreams. But I know he will. Good people always attract great people. That's what I believe.

He is one of the people that I constantly care the most on this earth. As I am typing this, I can't hold my tears any longer when I count the days that I will have to send him off in the airport.

I don't know what will happen after he left. I also wonder where I might be, when he comes back. I just know that, I love him, no matter where he goes.

Dear my godbrother, I love you. Present to you this music, which I can easily become emotional, by listening to it.

OS of the day:

You may care for many people in your life. But, those precious ones are the ones that you care for them, until the end of life.

P/S: What is the problem here? Why blog doesn't let me change the font colour?? Screw you blog!